I Hate Stuff That Sucks

Welcome to the first edition of “I Hate Stuff That Sucks” with your host, Gretel VonGaynip.  Without further adieu…

1.)  Motorized Spaghetti Fork – What the eff is wrong with us as a whole that we can’t TWIRL our own spaghetti?  God forbid we should waste precious calories twirling when 2 AAA batteries and $9 (plus applicable taxes) is all that stands between us and carb-heaven?

2.)  Listerine Breath Strips – I think Ellen said it best when she quipped “Can’t we not SUCK anymore?”  This falls into the same category as the motorized fork (see above).

3.)  McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap – We don’t need to be eating Big Macs (540 calories/30 grams of fat-47% of your daily recommended fat intake) to start with.  Sure, now and then we all crave lard and salt between 3 sesame seed buns.  But to eat a Big Mac in a wrap…as a snack?  Here’s an idea, put down the wrap you lard-ass and eat a salad.  But not a McDonald’s salad.  Those actual have about as many calories/fat as one of their burgers (it’s the dressing).

4.)  People Who Say “I Read” but Mean “I Read Cosmo/Us Weekly/Tabloids”– I get that not everyone likes to pick up a book and spend hours absorbed in another world, time or life.  What irks me though, are those people who realize the world judges them for this personality flaw and so they lie and say they love to read.  Only to find out the only thing they read is a trashy gossip rag or worse, one of those “women’s magazines” that promote low self-worth and low self-esteem.

5.)  Smelly People – How hard is it to bathe, brush your teeth and comb your hair?  Honestly.

6.)  Messy Hair Look – Why?  Why do you want us to think that you just rolled out of bed with your hair like that and went “That looks cool, I think I’ll leave it!”?  If we looked into it I’m sure you spend more time making it look messy than if you just came to work/school/somewhere public after rolling out of bed.

7.)  Straight Couples Who Cruise Gay Bars for Threesome Partner – UGH!  This also goes for couples who cruise on-line dating websites messaging gay/lesbians asking for a threesome.  If a person is at a gay bar, 99.999999% chance they are gay and not looking to hook up with you and your nervous looking girlfriend, you pervert.  In the words of Dana “Don’t give me that look.  I don’t want to have sex with you and some girl.  I’d rather just have sex with the girl.  I’m THAT gay.”

8.)  The word “Casserole” – Don’t ask.

9.)  When Something Breaks & Someone Says “It’s Not Supposed to Do That” – This sucks no matter what broke and who said it.  For me, however…I was working at a radio station a while back who never updated their on-air music system.  Ever.  It did this odd thing where, if it was 2004 on the 4th month we’d go off the air for no apparent reason.  I was closest to the station and the first person the automated system would call.  I’d pull on some clothes, traipse over to the station and see everything sitting there just waiting for someone to press “start” on the next element.  There was no reason it was off.  “Auto” was on (this feature goes from one element [song/commercial/liner/etc] to the next without stopping.  When you’d want to do a break you’d shut “auto” “off”).  The technicians would always say the same thing…

10.)  Stephen Harper Doesn’t Hug His Kids – I caught a video last winter of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper SHAKING HIS KIDS HANDS!  If you know anything of ol’ Stevie, you’ll know that Canadian media painted him as somewhat of a robot during the election.  Little known fact:  There are 2 Stephen Harpers…one is real and the other is a robot.  How do you tell them apart?  Robot Stephen can put his arm back on, you can’t.  Play safe! (PS The original ASTAR commercial rocked-see link-the new one SUCKS)

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