Law is Love Unto All Beings

I remember when I was 12 years old my Step Mom was tucking me into bed.  “I love you.”  she murmured as she was shutting the bedroom door.  I called out, “Unconditionally?”  There was a long pause, a hesitation.  I’m sure it lasted mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity.  Finally, she said, “Yes.”  and closed the door.

What she should have said was:  “Yes*”.


*Unless your gay.



Today, I have been disowned by my parents for being gay.  6 months after I said it out loud, but years of them knowing before I did.  I was asked not to call home anymore.  The letter sounded like a goodbye as it noted, “We have shared a lot of good times.” and told me they loved me.

I wrote back,

I have no issues “dealing” with my homosexuality at all, just to clarify. You and Dad are having issues with all of this. If you had both had this reaction six months ago when I told you, you’re right, I expected that. Problem is, you admitted to knowing I was gay a year before I told you. I suspect you’ve both known much longer. So, you’ve had plenty of time to “adjust” to the idea that I’m a lesbian.

Your daughter is gay. Nothing else has changed. I’m still the same person I always was. I’m not doing this to punish you. It’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s not that I didn’t get enough hugs (or too many). I’m gay. In my mind there is nothing to deal with. I can’t change what I can’t control. I don’t see how my being gay affects your life at all. Unless you’re ashamed of me; in which case I can’t help you with that. You need to work on that by yourselves.

No, you can’t pick your family. But as you’ve demonstrated by asking me not to call you, I can pick which family members I have contact with (as you’ve just done). I’m trying to love myself, with all that entails. If you can’t support me with that, then the only real option is to keep a distance until you can be a healthy part of my life. Even my doctor has said as much.

Your letter feels something like a goodbye. I will respect your wishes, and I won’t call you. I hope you’re sure that’s what you want because I can’t promise that when you decide you’re “okay” with who I am as a person in another six months or a year from now, that I’ll want to talk.


Part of me wants to cry and part of me wants to shout.  I find myself unable to do either of these things.  I am able to laugh, so I haven’t lost my sense of humour in any of this.  What a relief!





5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Freya
    Dec 02, 2009 @ 00:59:02

    That is so sad. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your response was excellent.
    (((((HUGS))) I send you strength and love.

    I have often said that relatives are not necessarily family.


  2. Rhi
    Dec 02, 2009 @ 13:56:03

    You can choose your family. Family is more than love.

    I will be the crazy auntie who lives far away.


  3. Rhi
    Dec 02, 2009 @ 13:56:33

    I meant to say family is more than blood. Wow, what a fuck up.


  4. vongaynip
    Dec 02, 2009 @ 20:00:44

    Freya-Thanks. I thought I was pretty even keeled about the whole thing. Today was a different story, but at least I attempted civility, understanding and love.

    Thank you.

    Rhi-Deal! I knew what you meant.


  5. Freya
    Dec 02, 2009 @ 22:56:30

    As the parent of a bi and poly son, I know how hard it is for those of you whose parents and relatives are total a**hats. I heard some of the stories his friends related. I simply cannot see how one’s sexual preferences have anything whatsoever to do with who they are as a human being.

    Be strong. Be proud. You are not alone. (((((HUGS)))


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