Exhaustion Is Setting In

I am home and I feel completely strange in my body at the moment.

Maybe it has to do with the fact I had 2-3 hours of sleep scattered throughout the night and a bit of  a nap this afternoon.  I’m not sure what’s up with my not-sleeping.  I had the same problem on Thursday night which I attributed to caffeine intake too close to bedtime.  Now, I’m wondering if it’s that at all.  It wasn’t that sort of restless awake you get when you have too much coffee or pop, but more of an “I’m awake and feel like I could climb a mountain.”  I’m sure if I was actually standing at the base of a mountain, in mid-December, at 2am, I would be saying “I’m cold and tired, why did you bring me here?”.

It’s not even the bed sharing aspect either, because I’ve shared a bed many times with friends and girlfriends…no problems to fall asleep.  I generally sleep better and the only real problem for me is because of my early schedule, I don’t sleep in like normal people.  I’m generally awake first and lie there for an hour or three alone with my thoughts.  Not an entirely bad thing some days, but I already live inside my head enough as it is.

Could have been because I didn’t eat much between yesterday/today either.  I was driving home and I realized that I didn’t eat a meal yesterday.  I had…

  • Pepsi Max (x2)
  • baby carrots (x20)
  • celery (x6)
  • Gaynip Brittle (x1)
  • Jujubes (x4)

Probably why I feel spaced out at the moment.  I know it’s not good for me, and I didn’t do it on purpose.  I was just as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers.  I can’t force myself to eat when that happens.  I know it’s bad for me, blah blah blah “starvation mode”, blah blah blah “hoarding calories” blah blah blah.  It’s not a weight loss thing, I’m not completely stupid.  I just can’t eat when I’m nervous.  I’m starving yet not right now.  I’m going to make something full of protein because enough is enough already.

On a really cool note, the Gaynip Brittle went over really well.  Yup, I’m calling it that.  Oh sure, one small tweak of the recipe doesn’t necessarily warrant a name change, but too bad.  I don’t think I’ve ever cooked anything (except my fajitas) that went over nearly that well.  It was even mentioned elsewhere.  Point of pride for the chick who doesn’t cook…

The party was a lot of fun, I like to meet new people, even if I have a tendency to sort of sit back and just watch when I feel out of my element.  Everyone was very nice.  I remember a few names (Yay me!) and I’d like to get to know people better.  All in due time.

Last night when we got back, Cortejo let me ask her questions…except my brain was foggy and I couldn’t think of a whole lot.  I did get a Poly (According to Cortejo) 101.  I thought of more questions on the ride home.  I will have to write them down and save them for next time.  I was deemed to be a snuggle bunny, which I find mildly embarrassing, but I can’t really deny it.  I’ve always been a touchy-feely sort of person.  I’ve never really had the opportunity to enjoy that with E because of her arthritis and Steph because…well frankly she was too busy mauling me any time I even looked at her sideways.

I got home and cleaned the house up a bit.  Vacuumed, dishes, cleaned off the counter and put stuff away.  I had a shower and now I’m painfully aware of how tired I really am.

Checking the phone to see if Leh called about P90X or yoga today and see that while she didn’t give me a jingle (magpie) that my sister called.  Left no message.  A volley of thoughts:

Why did she call?  What does she want?

Is she calling to yell more?

What else is there to say?

Is she sorry for the things she said?

Can I forgive her?

Does it matter?

Did she hear that I wasn’t speaking to our parents?

Did they tell her it was me who broke contact or did they say it was them?

Do I give a fuck?

You know what the weird part is?  Last night, in one of fits of restless sleep…I had a dream that I woke up…then I wake up my bedmate and say “My family called me”.  I am given this expectant look, but I just put my head back down on the pillow and go back to sleep.  It felt so real, I wondered if I’d done it.  But I have it on excellent authority I didn’t sleep talk at all.

Sort of how I feel seeing the phone number come up on the call display.  “Oh my family called” and then set the phone back in the cradle to charge.

I’m more interested in knowing how Shane’s big date is going.  Dating is incredibly hard, and when you find someone you are a good match with, it’s worth all that hard work.  It’s just finding someone to spend time with that doesn’t wind up making you want to join a convent.  Except that sex is too awesome and is almost always worth the BS you go through with dating to get some.  Almost, always.

Must find food.


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