A Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

It’s me, Gaynip, again.  I have been a very, very goodsomewhat gooddecently well behaved…naughty but nice* little lesbian.  I know every year I ask you for the same thing, “malignalitaloptereosis” (you know, the disease Madame Mim catches in Disney’s “The Sword in the Stone“) so I can lose 15-20lbs.  I guess that’s a pretty tall order to fill, I mean how do you transport such a thing?  Maybe I have to be a pink dragon to catch it?  Maybe I have to catch it from a dirty wizard?  I have no idea.

This year, I thought I’d ask for something a little more realistic (or just plain real) so here’s my Christmas wish list:

  • Smelly Man showering 5 times/week (at least) and fill his stocking with soap/shampoo/toothbrush/toothpaste/Listerine/mints/a comb.  I know that seems like a present for him but you’d be doing anyone who has to be in close proximity to him a huge favour.
  • Convince my Dad that President Obama is not the anti-Christ and that he should stop stockpiling canned goods.
  • Pickles wants a big bag of treats.  Only if they’re the diet kind because she’s getting hefty and the vet says she’s going to get diabetes.  I have a hard enough giving her pills from the vet, nevermind shots of insulin.
  • I have to teach a class at Practicum in February.  You know how nervous and twitchy I get about speaking in front of a crowd…so, please, please, please…don’t let me get sick about it.
  • Continued immunity to Hamthrax.
  • I don’t know if my sense of humour is something I was born with, blessed with, a gift from the Gods, a mistake…but if I’d like to keep it another year.  It gets me out of a lot of trouble.
  • Sex on a semi-regular basis.  I know that’s a tall order, and I’m not sure what the rules are about X-rated gift requests, but I’m asking.  Work your magic, big guy!
  • Could you have a talk with Kirstie Alley?  I know that I make fun of her a lot, and she’s an easy target (being so big and all) but did you see that picture of her in the National Inquirer this week?  The only present she’s going to need is quadruple bypass surgery if she keeps it up.  You’ve got to hammer home to her that not everything tastes better with butter on it (including butter) and that some things don’t need to be wrapped in bacon.  She’s getting closer and closer to needing a moo-moo.  You and I both know it’s all downhill from that point forward.
  • A new car.  What?  I’m just asking.


I promise that if you bring me what I ask for, that I will be somewhat-possibly-half decently-less naughty than last year.  Honest.

-Gaynip


P.S.  Thanks for the early Christmas present.  You know what I’m talking about!

*Except for those Kirstie Alley fat jokes.

*****

In all seriousness, I think what I’d ask for if Santa was real is this:

  • Strength, courage, determination in all my endeavors.
  • To make new friends and keep the old ones close to my heart.
  • To continue to have a good sense of humour even when times are tough.
  • To always be able to find the silver lining.
  • That my family have love and acceptance, not just for me but anyone who’s “different” from them.
  • Continued thirst for knowledge and to keep that urge to understand all things (and that when I can’t, to at least be open to ideas that are different).
  • That my brother in-law comes home from Afghanistan in one piece.
  • To pass basic training.
  • Be more accepting of change and not be so resistant.
  • Sex.  I’m still asking for that.  I have needs, ya know.

*****

Holy frack.  I woke up this morning to 75 hits to the blog last night!  Crazy.  I guess I’m not the only one with a love/hate relationship concerning Facebook.  My Christmas wish was to have 1000 page views by December 31st.  I’ve already hit 1006 and we still have a few days left.  Considering I only started blogging on a daily basis at the end of September, not bad numbers.  Hell, I only really started blogging for myself as a challenge to do it five times per week, and never expected anyone to read the bloody thing.

Thank you for anyone who’s ever read the blog.  :)  It’s a nice little ego boost to know I’m entertaining.

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