Gaynip’s Year in Review

I’ve been sitting here for hours now, staring at this empty blog space trying to recap 2009.  I write something, I delete it.  I’m faced with the daunting task of recapping one of the most important years of my life and I’m not sure how to start.  I want to do it, I feel as though looking back over the last 12 months will ensure that I have learned something important from the last year.  So…bear with me as I muddle through 12 months.

January:

I rang in 2009 with Denis.  After the disaster that was the company Christmas Party, I really wanted to push myself to not be so uncomfortable around the opposite sex.  Not to say that men make me uncomfortable in general, because for a long time guys were my closest friends.  I found it easier to relate to them, and ever since I can remember, I have always been(at one time or another) “one of the guys”.  Anyway, we kissed, he pressed to come in, but since it was our first date and no one knew him but me, I wasn’t comfortable having a stranger in my house.  That’s how police reports start.  We had another date mid-month.  He came over and we watched movies on the computer, which was in the bedroom at the time.  He wasn’t aggressive but definitely working his way towards that “ultimate goal”.  Towards the end of the night he got super aggressive with me, to the point I thought about calling The Rachel for some assistance.  Without getting into the nitty gritty, I didn’t sleep with him and when he left I felt terrible.  I can’t even begin to describe this feeling, except to say it tied my stomach up in greasy knots and I felt sick about it for days.

This would be the last time I’d date a man.

February:

Since the last date with Denis I broke it to him I wasn’t interested.  He was fairly upset, by all outward appearances, and demanded to know why two people with so much in common weren’t a match.  He felt bad for being so “forceful” (as he put it) with me, but he thought that’s what a shy girl like me needed.  Ugh.  Granted, I am shy, and I do need someone else to take charge (at least initially), I don’t want someone to force themselves upon me.

This was also the month I had The Big Revelation.  It was February 14th (I know, I know) when I had been out all day doing errands.  I had picked up a few things, and was putting the toiletries away in the bathroom.  I was telling myself that earlier that week when I couldn’t name a single “hot guy” from a TV show or movie (but could subsequently think of 20 hot women) didn’t mean anything.  I had bent down to put something in the trash and as I was standing up, I said to myself, “It’s not like your a lesbian”.  I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror, caught the look on my face.  Something between abject horror and deep seated sadness.  It dawned on me, like a thousand rays of sunshine, that yes, I was a lesbian.  I cried for three days about it.

I made a Gay/Not Gay list.  Yes.  Yes, I did.

The first person I told was The Rachel.  She could tell that something had been bothering me for days and invited me to ride along with her on a sales pitch a few towns over.  I’m kind of like a puppy dog, I love to go for car rides, so I readily agreed.  The whole way there, and most of the way back I wanted to tell her, it was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t do it.  She knew, of course.  Steered the topic towards homosexuality, the news, some article she read, etc.  Finally, I just blurted it out.  It wasn’t poetic, it wasn’t well thought out, I just sort of said it.  I cried a bit more.  The Rachel got me drunk on red wine by 1pm and told me everything would be okay.

Towards the end of the month, I decided that I was going to tell Dutchess.  She’d been telling me for months and months that I needed to shuck off this whole mentality of caring what other people think.  About me, about what I do, what I say, what I wear, the colour of my hair, etc.  Every time I even so much as poked fun at myself (for any reason…being fat, being unattractive, being single, etc) she would tell me to shut the hell up.  Not that my little comments weren’t funny, but more to the point she felt they were hurting me.  D always said that my parents (both sets) had been detrimental to my self-esteem enough without my having to add to it.  So, after a particularly fun weekend (where I bought my first shirt and vest combo!), we were in our jammies hanging out, chatting, and I was going to tell her.  I don’t know how we got onto the topic of homosexuality but as I was about to say those words again, she pipes up with “I read a study somewhere that homosexuality is a disease.  It kind of makes sense to me”.  Before anyone gets angry about that, don’t.  She didn’t mean it was some kind of ailment that needed a cure, and in retrospect I think what she might have been saying is that it is a genetic defect.  Kind of like blue eyes.  My blue eyes don’t make me a bad person, but it’s a genetic anomaly none the less.  But…being insecure with coming out, I didn’t tell her.  In fact, besides my parents she was the last to know.

I can’t remember if my first gay date was end of February/start of March.  For some reason, I don’t have it written down in my notes (yes I write that stuff down).  I met Erin online, and we seemed to click.  So we agreed to meet for a late supper at the Elgin St. Diner.  I was super nervous and shook like a leaf the entire time.  She was a lot of fun, we had loads to talk about.  I got my first parking ticket that night.  I took her home, and we sat there in the car for a bit.  In retrospect, (knowing her facial expressions now) I should have kissed her.  Problem was I wasn’t confident enough to make the first move, especially on my first gay date.  I cursed myself the entire ride home.  Erin told me she thought we’d make better friends than girlfriends.  I was a bit crestfallen, I can say that now.

March:

I’m pretty sure this what when I finally got around to telling D I was gay.  I called her up, terrified, and can remember sitting in the darkness of my room cross legged on the bed.  I was absolutely vibrating with fear at what her reaction might be.

G:  I have to tell you something.  I need you to sit down.

D:  …Uh, okay.

G:  Are you sitting?

D:  Yeah.  Jesus, what’s wrong?

G:  I…I…I think I’m gay.

D:  <Briefest of pauses>  What makes you think that?

G:  I’m attracted to women.

D:  That’ll do it.

Later she pestered me to know if she was hot.  She is, but she’s practically my sister and I would never in a million years ever even consider anything more than a familial relationship.  Doesn’t stop people from thinking we’re an item, but D just frantically waves her engagement/wedding bands around and that solves the problem.

I hung out with Erin again, upgraded my cellphone to something that wasn’t from the stone age.

I met a new girl online and we started chatting on a regular basis.  We worked almost complete opposite shifts, and I found myself staying up just to talk to her.

Went to my first gay bar.  Some straight guy found D (I dragged her with me) and I had to fight him off.

Guy:  Are you a lesbian?

Gaynip:  Dude, I’m wearing a tie.  In a gay bar.  What do you think?

Guy:  Is everyone here gay?

Gaynip:  I think that’s kinda the point.

April:

Stephanie and I had been chatting for some time and had made plans to have a date.  Right before a huge work event, she decided that she wasn’t interested.  Halfway through the weekend, she texted me to tell me she was being an idiot and that she still wanted to meet up.  I should have just told her to get bent, but I did like her and it was hard meeting girls when living in a small town and being a “toaster”.

(Toaster:  colloq. A new lesbian.  Reference from Ellen where Ellen comes out and the woman who “turns” her gets a toaster for doing so.)

We had our first date April 16th, met up at the mall and I gave her real flowers because I was late (Doctors appointment ran uber long) and she had made me a bouquet of pink and black ones because she knew I was allergic to the real thing.  It was a little shaky through dinner.  I felt very lost and wondered if maybe I wasn’t gay at all.  The two of us decided to stop at Tim’s before I dropped her off at the bus.  Sitting in the car, my phone goes off.  The Rachel.  Not so subtle (nor quiet) asks “Is it going okay?  Do I need to call the cops?  Need me to fake an emergency?”  Steph laughed it off, much to my relief.  As we sat there in the car, she was giving me this look (again, now I know) and I could feel myself go completely hot with embarrassment.  She whispered, “Can I kiss you?”  I nodded.

My first kiss with a girl was intense.  It felt like 1000 fireworks going off all at once, it felt like my skin was on fire (in a good way), it felt like that flutter in your stomach you get as you reach the pinnacle of a roller coaster and see the vista before the plunge.  It felt like all those things rolled into one and then some.  I remember smirking, and her asking what was so funny.  I exclaimed, “I’m so gay.”  She laughed and kissed me again.

I got home so late that night, because we’d been kissing in the car for the better part of an hour.  I managed about an hour or two of sleep, and teased mercilessly at work for looking like I showed up to work straight from my date.

I talked to her all the time, it felt great.  She told me she loved me.  My brain knew that it was impossible for that to be true, and that what I was feeling was 99% hormones/puppy love and nothing more.  But I thought I meant it, I felt like I did.  I said it back.  I shouldn’t have.

This was also the time I came out to my parents.  I’d been plagued by nightmares for months on how they would handle it.  Would my Dad yell?  Would my Step-Mom cry?  Would they just freak out?  My Da’ didn’t take it well and said I wasn’t allowed to bring anyone home.  Step-Mom came to my defense saying this was unfair.  She told me she knew a year before that and wasn’t surprised.  It went so well, I was awash with relief.  And guilt.  Imagine, not giving them more credit.

May:

May 1st, 2009.  Possibly May 2, 2009.  Hard to say.  I know it was late when I left and late when I got there.  I won’t go into the nitty gritty details of it all.  What I will say is that it isn’t as magical as movies/TV make it out to be.  Straight or gay, it’s really awkward and clumsy.  I was nervous as hell and couldn’t manage to relax.  I remember that night with a lot of clarity.  Stephanie really did her level best to make it a night I would always remember.

The next morning, she referred to me as “Lucky No. 21”.  I was, naturally horrified.  That felt like such a huge number.

We broke up right before the May 2-4 weekend.  Steph became obsessed with nailing me down to some kind of serious long term commitment.  She talked about babies.  Houses.  Changing jobs.  I freaked out.  She pushed way too hard for things I wasn’t ready to promise anyone.  She talked about her ex in ways that made me feel like she was still in love with him, and I really couldn’t imagine being with someone who still carried a torch for their ex like that.  They hung out, I was okay with that.  I’m not the jealous type.  But it was a constant measurements.  Jimmy this, Jimmy that.

For the next few weeks she would mess with me as much as possible.  Tell me she missed me, she loved me, she was lost and confused.  Then, it was that she was back with Jimmy.  I was at work one day, she let me know that they were engaged to be wed.  Fantastic.  Getting a puppy, planning babies, moving out West.  Grand.  It’s not that I wanted any of these things with her, nor did I want to begrudge her anything but it happened so fast.  From the time we broke up to her engagement it was just shy of a week and a half.

I didn’t get to mope too hard.  D got wicked bad food poisoning.  I ended up taking care of her for 3 solid days.  Rising someone’s puke bucket and holding their hair…that’s love.

Beamish quit the morning show.  Smelly Man took over.

June:

I don’t really remember June all that much.  It seems like a bit of a blur really.  My parents seemed to get more and more distant.  I ended up not going home when most of the family was there.  I didn’t feel like the visit would go smoothly.  I was afraid someone would bring it up, and upset my folks.  I didn’t feel welcome there, either.  My Dad made excuses why I shouldn’t make the trip.  I’m not a dummy.  I can take a hint.

Erin and I started dating.  It turned out that she did like me that way, but because I was a “toaster” she didn’t want to get burned.  Girls have a tendency to waffle about their gayness.  “Spaghetti Girls” I call ’em.  You know?  Straight until wet.  …Back to Erin…we had gone out to the bar together, she was flirting with me, so I flirted back.  Nothing happened.  I lost a lot of my confidence with the Stephanie ordeal.  It took until the next day, as I was leaving for anyone to make a move.  Surprise surprise, it was me.  We kissed.  She mulled it over for a week or more, and decided to give “us” a try.  Even though I was still a toaster (now with dents).

I attended my first SCA event.  Maverick was overseas on a tour of duty, and D had to go to this event.  I agreed to go, so long as I could wear pants.  I was really jazzed to be there, and had a lot of fun.  I remember we were sitting in the archery tent and Cortejo wandered down and sat with us.  She asked me a bunch of questions.  I was nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  D had forgotten the Baron/Baroness would be in attendance so I didn’t get a briefing on proper ways to great royalty.

Three days later Cortejo added me to Facebook.  We talked pretty much every weekday morning for the rest of the year (first via Facebook, then GMAIL).

July:

Saw Theory of a Deadman in concert in B-Vegas with Uncle J, Lady Di and D for Canada Day.  The whole weekend was a blast and a much needed break from the 9-5 (or in my case 5-11).  I had no idea my Uncle knew that I was gay.  I assumed it was a touchy subject with him since he came home one day to find his fiance in bed with another woman.  He was not only cool with it, but him and Di scolded me for not bringing Erin.  Shocker.

The rest of the month saw me pass my time between work, D and weekends with Erin.

The neighbours stray barn kitten brought fleas into the building.  Joy of joys.

Sleep Test.

August:

Erin came to stay with me before the long weekend.  This was a big deal because it involved getting a dog sitter for Rocky and taking the bus down.  We had a good time.

She had a weekend with her “homo’s” (her term, not mine) and for some reason texted my computer, not my phone.  I found it strange I didn’t hear from her all the long weekend, but I didn’t feel compelled to call or text her.  We were both having fun (she was at a Coldplay concert, I was playing D&D) and we didn’t have that kind of “check in” style relationship.  So I thought.

Turns out, she was pissed with me.  I mean, livid.  I refused to say sorry for something I didn’t do.  After this, things got strained.  She went MIA on me.  No calls.  No texts.  If I saw her online, she was busy.  This went on for about a week.  I decided that was enough, if we couldn’t talk about any of it, I wasn’t going to continue the relationship.

She called me, finally, from a BBQ party.  It was my turn to be livid.  I wanted to talk things out and after chasing her for a week, that she called from a party was insulting.  I told her I couldn’t date someone who was clearly not adult enough to have a relationship.  That I felt like I was doing all the work, and not getting anything from her in return.  There was another reason, which escapes me now.  Erin agreed we should break up, gave me some stupid reasons (“You’re small town.  I’m a city girl now.  I can’t do rural.”).

September:

September passed fairly quietly.  Erin and I finally talked about why we broke up.  The weekend she had come to stay with me was too much for her.  She’d gotten off the bus and supper was ready for her when she got in the door (with a nice glass of wine).  We went to bed early, no sex, just talked.  One of the nights she was in town, we had decided to visit The Rachel (she was bar tending for Shanny).  As we were getting dressed she whispered (or mouthed) “I love you”.  Sunday before she left we had breakfast with The Rachel, Monkey and Old Dude…Monkey sat beside me and drew me pictures, and whatnot.  It set her to wanting kids, when she saw me being “maternal”.  It was something of a pickle for her, knowing I don’t want kids and her now having her clock ticking like a time bomb.

She wanted me to come chase her the week she wasn’t around.  I’m not sure, even months later, what to say about that.  I guess it was a sign to her that I didn’t love her enough to give chase or fight hard.  I don’t know.  I just don’t.

I don’t have sleep apnea.  I have DSPS, restless leg and sleep-talks.  Phew.

October:

Date with a new girl named Songe.

The Sizzle sexually harassed me.

Missed a D&D game which has thrown me off, because stuff that everyone else knows, I don’t.  Bah.  “Yes, remember when ________?” “No!  I wasn’t there for that!”

Thanksgiving with Uncle J and Lady Di.  Restful.  Appreciated.

Zombie Walk in Toronto!  Oh my God, so much fun.  It really was a blast beyond measure.  I don’t know how far we walked, but it was far.  My costume wasn’t the best but the makeup job was excellent.  I went all out with the liquid latex and fake blood.  Next year will be even better.  Songe and I didn’t meet up like we wanted to, and only saw each other at the very end for a few moments.

For Halloween, I went to Office Mom & Random’s to do Er’s zombie makeup.  Ended up going tick’r’treating with them as well.  Kids are so much fun.

November:

I turned 25!  What a bash it was.  Strippers are lots of fun, in a dirty, snail-track kind of way.  I loved that a bunch of people made it out this year, and it was really memorable.  We got a hotel (thanks Leh), drank a lot (or too much), partied at the gay bar…Dutchess got 22 plus random girls to give me birthday kisses and sign my giant “It’s my birthday” button.  Did I mention the strippers?

The next day was by big SCA event.  Feast of the Hare.  Wow.  Lady in Waiting all day long.  Up and down the stairs.  Up and down the stairs.  It was interesting to spend time with Cortejo after talking to her online for all those months.

Somehow wound up on Baronial council.  Imagine that.

Disowned by my Sister.

Waited and waited and WAITED for The Sizzle to issue an apology for sexually harassing me at work.  I finally got it.

Christmas music started this month at the station.  Too soon.

December:

The staff party was amazing.  D came with me, and I thought it was a nice treat from me to her to be able to do that.  Was good to see everyone from work all done up in their Sunday best, eating/drinking and having a good time on the company dime.  Makes all the stuff we go through during the year worth it.  Except the harassment.  That’s extra.  Haha.

I got roped into teaching a class at Practicum.  I don’t think good looking people should be allowed to ask favours of you.  It’s like cheating.

Cortejo.

My parents disowned me.  I won’t get into it all, there’s two blogs on it already.  I feel…free, even now.

Christmas with Dutchess, Maverick and D’s family.  I didn’t get to see my family.  I was sad about it, but life goes on.

Elspeth called me while at D’s place and we came to some kind of peace treaty.  We shall see how that goes.

My parents called over Christmas, but the power went out due to a nasty storm from Texas, so I never got the message (if they left one).  They sent a Christmas card, with $100.  I’m looking to donate it to a Gay charity in their names.  Preferably one that sends literature or a newsletter.  They called again tonight, but I was in the city re-watching True Blood Season 2.  A message this time.  They’re off to the West coast for work.  I won’t hear from them again for a few weeks I expect.

Long post, but there’s a bit more.  Here’s what I’ve learned this year.

  • Be yourself.  As far as any of us know, we may only get to do this once.  Don’t live for anyone else or their expectations.  Do what makes you happy (so long as it doesn’t harm anyone else).
  • Tell people you love them.  Mean it when you do.
  • Friends are family.
  • Don’t ever say “I’ll never”.  There are things I thought I’d never say, do, experience or even be able to talk about and I don’t know how many times I’ve eaten those words.
  • Relationships don’t have to be conventional.
  • People will surprise you.  This can be for the good or for the bad.
  • Make no apologies for who you are.  If someone doesn’t like it, tough.
  • The silver lining is crucial.  Every bad situation has one.  Find it.
  • Laugh.  Even when you’re crying.
  • I’m spoiled.  I always get what I want.
  • Be persistent.  It make take a while, but eventually things will work out.

I’m sure there’s more, but it’s taken me 3 hours to finish this!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Tweets that mention Gaynip’s Year in Review « Vongaynip's Blog -- Topsy.com

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