More Meditation

This is going to sound a little crazy but here goes…

Last night I did some quiet time meditating with the bodyscan method.  I am having a really hard time to let my brain go quiet and not think about things.  I managed it but not for long.  It makes my head swim and I get really dizzy once I stand up.  Both last night and the night before.

I switched it up and put on the Solitudes pan-flute/thunderstorms audio in the living room.  I turned off all the lights and laid there, focused on my breathing until it became very shallow.  I let my brain do all the work of painting the picture this time.  I’m back in the forest and I’m completely alone here.  It’s kind of scary, how alone I am.  So, what else is there to do but explore the forest?  I’m wandering around when I hear the sound of waves (giant waves) crashing, naturally being drawn to water I follow it.

I reach a set of cliffs, where the tree’s are almost falling hundreds of feet into an angry ocean.  There are huge rock formations along the beach, probably what’s left of the coastline that has eroded into the sea.  I am soaked the the skin, my hair is plastered to my face, my skin is covered in goose flesh.  I’m holding onto a tree as I gaze out on a gray sea, as it splashes and sprays angrily.  Lightening splits the sky and crackles in a way that makes the hair on the back of my neck raise.

For about 30 seconds I can feel this heat in my chest, not over my heart but a handspan away.  It’s like there’s a light in there.  A star maybe.  The sun.  I don’t know.  It’s hot.  Intense.  And the feeling is pure joy.  Complete elation.  I want to cry the feeling is so intense.  As quickly as it washed over me, it’s gone.

The woman came back, as I was in the meditative state too.  I still don’t know who she is.  I found her completely by accident as she was swimming (not in the ocean) but in this little pool off a small river.  She gets out of the water and walks up to me slowly.  Starts to pull my wet clothes off, but I push her hands away.  There’s a shared look.  I realize how silly it is to be wearing clothes at this point.  It’s kind of sexual but kind of not.  There’s touching but it’s not erotic, there’s almost kissing but no actual kissing.

Dutchess thinks that the woman in my dream is me.

She’s you.  You have found subconsciously your happy place, and she wants you to be there.  There is one person who you can follow into happiness if you follow your inner voice, and that’s you.  With all your changes lately, being happier, being freer, even more changes to come… the clothing, getting rid of hindrances that you feel you need to do, that others say you need to do.

I’m kind of not keen on the idea that I had a semi-sexual interaction with myself then.  I guess that’s normal too.  Still…I’m not 100% convinced it’s me.  But until I remember who it is, that’s the best theory I’ve got.

D & I spent part of our morning picking out a new hair colour for me.  We’re going to bleach the hell out of this black, colour it purple and then when I’m bored I’ll colour over it with a dark brown til I get back to my own hair colour.

SCA event on Saturday.  Super excited!  I’m not wearing anything silly.  Gonna wear my new garb.  I hope D and Mav’ make it.  I’m thinking of dragging Leh.  R&G gonna be there too.  :D  I  hope James makes it.  He’s probably too busy playing with his gun.  Last time I asked Ulrik he wasn’t 100%.  Either way, it’s gonna be fun.

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