What Does My Future Hold?

I’m feeling absolutely sick and conflicted this morning and I don’t know how to deal with it.

The plan, the idea in my mind for a few months now has been to join the military.  It’s a way to make  a decent living and work some normal hours.  My thought process, at least part of it, was from a long term view point.  Say I fall in love with someone, and become part of a household.  I don’t make a lot of money, I never will.  It’s just the nature of radio.  I’ve got great hours (early, but honestly I work 5-6 hours a day) and a “fun” job (I’m a little tired of the format) but I don’t make scads of money (despite what many listeners think).  I’ve come to realize that love isn’t based on income.  Or shouldn’t be, anyway.  That’s a piss-poor reason to love/not love someone.

I’m also angry with myself for being so terribly materialistic.  It’s all want-want-want these days.  I feel like a complete sell-out.  I’ll trade something I have passion for (or  had, and have some what lost the spark for) for money.  I can be bought, and it appears I can be bought with promises of shiny new things like iPods or a newer car.  Goddamn that pisses me off.  What happened to me?  Have I become so bitter and jaded that I can’t just be happy with the way things are?

Not saying I want to stagnate.  I still have goals.  I’m just wondering about what they are.  I don’t want to leave the area, my goal is to work in Ottawa.  Not as an AM personality anymore.  PM drive or maybe production.  I’m good at production.  I filled in for Special K when he was “out sick” in October/December ’08 and Jan/Feb ’09 (with some help from The Beam).  I can also write commercials.  Or maybe I need to work on Celeb Trainwreck and work on turning that into a syndicated item.

Leh is always talking about tapping into my creativity.  She says that I’ve got something in me, something like comedy or a book (which is collecting dust).  Something.  She keeps talking about it.  Like a dog with a bone.

I want to make a few things perfectly clear:

  • I know that I have a track record for being afraid of change.  This isn’t the case this time.  ‘Cause when I’ve had enough of something, once I get an idea in my head I do it.  It took me a year to get to Ontario, but I was dogged about it.
  • Fitness.  This has nothing to do with being lazy.  I’m sure someone will say it or think it.  I am not daunted by the idea of losing weight.  I lost 70 Goddamn pounds a few years ago.  It can be done.  I can do anything.

This whole thing is stressing me out.  I’m not happy at work, but the more I think about spending 8 hours a day doing data entry in a uniform, I feel barfy.  I’m sure I won’t hear the end of this.

Now to figure out if I’ve made up my mind and what I can do instead.  I get a feeling, deep inside of me that this isn’t right.  I thought about, a few years ago, starting a business.  Not the best time what with the economic downturn, but it’s been on my mind over and over.

I just don’t know.

Finally dyed my hair yesterday.  The bleach turned my natural colour (brown/blonde) white.  The rest of it looked like a sunset.  White-yellow-gold-orange-reddish-brown-black.  Then we covered all that up with a deep purple.  My head is about 5 different colours but looks sweet!

From the Back

In certain light it looks almost auburn.  In others it looks dark brown and purple.  Or red.  It’s neat.

Yesterday, the gang was trying to come up with a name for our Valentine’s Day promo.  We’re giving away a one night stay somewhere including dinner.  My suggestion of “Win a One Night Stand with ______” was shot down.  Fine.  Name your own promo.

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