Open Letter to Alesse

Dear Birth Control,

We need to talk, and you know it’s been a long time coming.  I’ve been very patient with you, but now my patience has all but evaporated.

I’m not blaming you, completely, in all of this.  Admittedly, it was I who put this whole thing in motion.  We were together 4 blissful years.  You were so wonderful to me.  I only got my period for 2 days and I never spent any of that time with intense back pain, or in the fetal position popping Advil like pez.  I was the envy of all my girlfriends, even the ones who were taking birth control.  Oh sure, I gained a bit of weight with you, but it was worth it.

Then, I realized “Omigosh I’m gay” and the need for you seemed much less.  And lots of people told me that as you get older the cramps and aches get less and less, and that my periods wouldn’t be so bad.  So I abandoned you, left you for the straight girls, for the promiscuous teenagers, for the DINKS who dread babies.  Cast you aside and said, “Ha!  I don’t need you.”  You sat there in your bright blue packaging, looking smug, knowing I’d be back for more.

After 2 months the harsh reality set in.  I needed you back.  I crawled on hands and knees and picked you up again.  I begged for your forgiveness.  How young and foolish I had been to think I could go on without you.  You took me back, without even so much as an “I told you so” as I gulped you down without even a sip of water.

But, I’m frustrated with you.  Have you seen what you’re doing to my face?  We both know that I’m not much of a looker, but you’re not helping.  Not at all.  I swear by all that is sacred, if I get one more pimple, I won’t leave the house.  This will cause me some serious problems, you realize.  I mean, if I broke out where someone couldn’t see, like say my back…no, no that won’t do…my ankles (who’s looking there anyway?) at least I could cover it.

Or how about the mood swings, hm?  The emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this month?  I feel like a crazy person!  Granted, I am rather crazy but before you came back into my life it was an acceptable level of crazy.

So.  Get your shit together or I’ll leave you for another brand.  A lower dose.  Something.



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