Another Monday

So, I’m 2 minutes outside the front door and my mp3 player bites the dust.  I’m in the middle of singing along (the only time I’ll sing out loud is at 5am when the streets are bare, or in the car all alone) to The Fray’s “How to Save a Life” and then nothin’.  I pull it out of my pocket thinking I hit pause by accident.  Nope.  It shut off.  It’s dying a slow death, I think it’s the battery.  To my credit, I usually kill mp3 players after about 12 months.  This one is working towards 2 years as of June.  Now is just not the time.

Then, I get into the office and I’m emptying my pockets out.  My snack is missing.  Must have fallen out of my pocket.  <Sigh>  Thankfully, I had a backup snack in my desk.  I just had a taste for fruit, not bran, dammit.

The transmitter is cutting in and out.  I’m guessing it’s due to all the rain and wind.

I got to try some of my breathing techniques this morning.  Diaphragmatic breathing…inhale through the nose while pushing out the stomach and exhaling through the mouth making the stomach smaller.  It’s the “natural” way to breath but it still makes me panicky.  Cortejo taught me some stuff about grounding but I am having a hard time to picture the energy cycling around.  I like the pulling in of the aura though.  It doesn’t feel uncomfortable per say but more like I’ve got fire in my stomach.  Maybe I’m not doing it right?

Oh, last night I was meditating with this chakra audio I found.  It’s for healing your body.  I was/am feeling sore in the legs, I figured that might be worth trying out.  I fell asleep before I got that far (a sign that I’m not grounded) but…the really fun part was when I relaxed and became aware of my breathing and whatnot, I could almost feel my insides working.  I know that sound absolutely stark raving mad but it’s true.  I could feel the pulse and beat, I could feel the warmth spreading from my stomach to my chest.  My forehead started to tingle.

Then I fell asleep.

On a more personal note, I really need to work on saying important things about feelings out loud.  It wasn’t something done in either of my homes growing up.  I can’t recall too many instances of my Dad saying to my Step-Mom, “You are beautiful.”  My Mom wasn’t big on “I love you” and would often say “me too” or “that’s nice” to us kids.  This is probably why I opt for a sarcastic or humourous comment instead of a serious one.  Not always appreciated or appropriate.  I didn’t realize it was that bad until I couldn’t even vocalize my concerns to Cortejo about certain things.  I’m still pretty sure that I didn’t do it properly.  At least not to my satisfaction.

This article is pissing me off this morning.  “Anferney Fontenet, 15, Rapes Woman on Busy Street; No One Stops to Help“.  What the  hell is wrong with people?  What kind of a world do we live in where someone is being held against their will with a pair of scissors.  People walked by.  Then, as she’s laying there, she asks for help, to borrow a cellphone.  The guy says “no”.  Cops say it’s a rough patch of town, so it’s not people’s fault for not helping.  Fuck you.

As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, reading the comments, people start victim blaming.  “Who can’t fight off a 15 year old?”  Um, have you seen 15 year old boys lately?  They’re HUGE.  Not only that but for some it’s fight/flight/freeze.  Since she was sick and using a cane, fight and flight weren’t an option.  I can’t say that if I was being held that I wouldn’t freeze.  I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but who knows?

Ugh.  I am losing faith in people to do the right thing.  I’m not strong.  I’m not aggressive.  I’m not a fighter.  But you can bet your last dollar that I would do everything I could to help that woman.  Even at the risk of getting hurt myself.  I wonder how anyone could look themselves in the mirror everyday.  Soulless.

D isn’t coming over due to the (freezing) rain today.  I think I’ll go home and pull the covers over my head.


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