Why Gaynip Hates KFC Today…

Warning:  Rant ahead.

Before I start this little rant, I’m going to preface with these few facts:

  • I am fat.  Calling a spade a spade.  I’m not obese but I’m on that slipper slope between overweight and obese.
  • I have been obese.  I weighed in somewhere at 250-260 at my very heaviest.
  • I don’t workout anymore (it’s kind of expensive and I am kind of, well, broke) but I get 30 minutes of exercise a day (more when the weather is cooperating.)
  • I sometimes eat things that aren’t good for me, so I try not to keep that stuff in the house (candy, chocolate, chips and whatnot).
  • I try to limit my fast food intake, and if I decide I want to eat out I try for something “healthy” like Subway.
  • There are many occasions where I could be doing something else but instead I’m playing on the computer.
  • I don’t own a deep fryer for the sole reason that I would end up saying things like “I wonder what this would taste like deep fried” and within a matter of weeks I’d need to butter my doorways and invest in one of those motorized scooters to get my fat ass from point A to point B because my ankles can’t bear that kind of weight.  Know thyself.
  • I’m not perfect.

We are getting fatter, it’s a fact.  People are eating more, and eating worse than they ever have.  We eat bigger meals, we snack more often (and not healthily), we don’t exercise much and a lot of jobs have become sedentary.  When I was a kid (I can’t believe I just said that) I played outside all the time.  I wasn’t allowed to be in the house unless it was nasty weather or I was grounded.  The year we lived in BC, I lost all my baby fat because I was swimming at the pool at least 3 times a week, I rode my bike everywhere and when school wasn’t in session I was outside from early morning until being called in at bedtime.

Kids today (there I go again) are glued to their TV sets, their video games and their computers.  Why go outside when you can sit in an air conditioned house, munching away on sugary snacks and playing with your friends online through your X-Box or your computer?  It’s not like Mom and Dad are going to say anything about it, they’re too busy sitting at their own computers to notice.

We eat all kinds of foods from boxes & cans, from fast food joints and snacking on junk like it’s going out of style.  I read an article about a woman who took a McDonald’s Happy Meal and put it on a shelf for an entire year.  Result?  The meal didn’t rot.  It got a bit hard, but it didn’t smell, didn’t change colour, didn’t decompose and it didn’t attract critters.  Do you know how alarming that is?  That can’t be good for our McBodies.  How many preservatives need to be in that stuff that it could look essentially unchanged after an entire year?  I can’t even keep bread in my house for a week without it going moldy.  How is it that this lasted?  Shew.

But it isn’t Rotten Ronnies that has my ire up this morning.  It’s KFC.  I really love Patten Oswalt’s bit from Werewolves and Lollipop’s stand-up where he criticizes them for their famous KFC bowls, calling them a “failure pile in a sadness bowl”.  Truly, who wants to waste precious calories chewing when you can have a “wet brown hillock” of slop in a bowl?  Alas, it isn’t even the bowls I’m pissed about.  It’s something called a “Double Down”.  I ranted about this on Facebook last year when they were “beta testing” the “sandwich”.  If we’re not Facebook friends, let me tell you about this menu item that is hitting stores April 12th (at least in the US).

The Double Down – Two pieces of chicken (Original Recipe or Grilled) make up the “bun” and between them is cheese and bacon.  That’s the sandwich.  If you order the Original Recipe Double Down it has 540 calories, 32g of fat and 1380mg of sodium.  If you get the Grilled Double Down it’s got 460 calories, 23g of fat and 1430mg of sodium.

Lemme put that into perspective for you.  Your daily sodium intake (as recommended) is 1500mg. Recommended fat intake is a bit different, depending on what your caloric intake is.  If you’re eating between 2000-2500 calories, fat intake should be between 20-25g of fat.  If you’re some kind of athlete (or someone who overeats) your daily fat intake is still only supposed to be 31g.

That means that you’re eating  at or more than the recommended fat and sodium for the day.  That’s not factoring in other things like the salted fries, the creamy coleslaw or the vat of gravy you got with it.  Or if you’re washing that all down with a full sugar pop.

If you’re going to eat one of these, I recommend dialing 9-1 and then when the heart attack strikes, dial the last 1.

Why?  Why do we need this?  What think tank over at the grease streaked KFC headquarters came up with this idea?  What executive sat in a darkened room at a conference table and said, “Gentlemen, people are too healthy.  How can we combat this nasty affliction?”.  Frankly, I’m surprised it isn’t injected with gravy pockets or dipped in batter and fried again.  Or that it doesn’t have some kind of secret special sauce (which is just mayo, who are we kidding?).

Hey for dessert we could just have a jar of frosting.  Forget the cakey bit of the cupcake, that was just holding us back.

I keep thinking about Ricky Gervais’ stand-up routine from Fame.

“Obesity is not a disease.”

“Yes it is.”

“What are the symptoms?”

“Everything tastes good.”

“Everything tastes good?  Not salad, apparently.”

Not salad indeed.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michael Schilder
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 14:01:15

    The Unhealthiest Drink in America (circa 2008)
    Baskin Robbin’s Large Heath Bar Shake (32 oz)
    2,310 calories
    266 g sugar
    108 g fat (64 g saturated)

    Baskin Robbins no longer has this item listed. They are showing this gem however…


  2. vongaynip
    Apr 06, 2010 @ 16:01:34

    Oh dear God. I think I just died a little inside. That is absolutely terrible.


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