Gaynip: Queen of the World

I’ve been thinking (“a dangerous past time” “I know”).  Specifically about being Queen of the World.  If you’ve missed this little update, when something goes wrong (lately) my answer has been, “You know, when I am Queen of the World, stuff like this won’t happen anymore”.  Where ‘stuff like this’ is generally stuff like:

  • I want ice cream and there is none.
  • People I like being are being jerks.
  • People I don’t like are being jerks – and not dying in a fire immediately thereafter.
  • The internet is broken, preventing me from lamenting about how things will be different when I rule the world.
  • The fact that unicorns aren’t real and I will never get one.  Never mind that if they were real I still wouldn’t get one because I’m not chaste nor am I a virgin.
  • When they remake a really good movie into a really shitty movie.
  • When they turn a really good book into a really shitty movie.
  • Lindsay Lohan.
  • Sheer idiocy that I can’t correct because I’m in a work setting and/or the idiot is someone whom is more important than me in some way and thus requires my respect (or at least feigned respect).
  • When bad music happens to good people.  I realize that I perpetrate this crime, but dammit I need to earn a living.  Would I like to deliver quality music to the masses that doesn’t want to make you jam a pencil in your ear?  Of course.  I don’t like making the people of my tiny town suffer.  At least, not in this fashion.
  • When I can’t find a pair of matching socks.
  • Being lazy doesn’t get you thinner (it just gets you bedsores and type 2 diabetes).

You know, when stuff isn’t going my way.  I started thinking about all the things that I would do if I was actually Queen of the World.  (What?  I have a lot of free time!)  Here is my list in no particular order:

  • Exercise would still get you fit and ripped but being lazy on the couch eating Ben and Jerry’s would also get you fit and ripped.
  • I would have legion of minions to do my bidding.
  • My cabinet of advisors would have at least one 5 year old.  Kids can spot flaws in plans right away and aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re being  a simpleton.
  • Maniacal laughter, while awesome, leads to one’s downfall.  It will be strictly forbidden.
  • People would wear more drapey fabrics (silk?) in perhaps a toga like fashion.  No ironing required.
  • Unicorns.  Pegasi.  Dragons.  Werewolves.  Vampires.  These are things that are real.
  • Being smart is more important than the superficial.
  • Transporters.  They will happen.
  • Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.  I didn’t come up with that one, but it sounds kind of cool.
  • 80’s cartoons will make a resurgence and crap like Dora the Explorer and Barney will be completely destroyed from history.
  • Mondays will cease to be workdays.
  • Comics count as reading.
  • Celebrities I hate will be forced to spend their days fighting gladiator style in an arena.
  • None of my secret plans will be labeled “Secret plans”, they instead will be given a really boring title that puts you to sleep halfway through reading it.
  • Everyone will taste yummy, and I don’t mean in a cannibalistic way.
  • No more accidental pregnancies.
  • Close mindedness means that your lips seal together until you can stop being an asshat.
  • Ginette Reno, Engleburt Humperdink, Yani, Matt Dusk, Jose Feliciano (and any other artist your grandpappy loves) never became musicians and instead lived in relative obscurity as plumbers or bakers or candlestick makers.  Whatever.  So long as I don’t have to listen to/play their music ever.
  • People stop thinking Tim Horton’s coffee is the best coffee in the world.
  • Kirstie Alley would still be hot like her days back on Cheers.  Also, Shelley Long would still be alive (I think Kirstie Alley and the guy who played Norm ate her).
  • Bacon is good for you.
  • No one has allergies anymore.  Especially food allergies.  Except people I hate.  People I hate are allergic to everything except fresh breast milk, wilted cabbage and skunk meat.
  • Being cool means being a nerd, geek or dork.
  • Anne Murray, will (at least once) get really drunk at a show and call someone a “hoser”.  Then throw up in a tuba.
  • Coffee can be injected into the bloodstream like an EpiPen.  You’re welcome.
  • Chocolate makes you lose weight.
  • Pimples don’t happen to good people.
  • Breaking up with someone would not result in things getting broken, crying, strange phone calls, drunk text messages, stalking or any other crazy things girls do when you break up with them.
  • KFC will not make sandwiches consisting of fried meat, cheese, bacon and more fried meat.
  • When telling someone about something cool you learned in the SCA their eyes will not glaze over and drool will not run down their chin.  Instead they will stare at you with nothing but rapt attention, and when you finish explaining said cool thing you learned in the SCA, they will pout and beg to know more.
  • Sex.  It’s like eating.  Needs to happen 3 times a day.  Plus snack time.
  • Napping is socially acceptable and siestas happen at work.
  • Coming out stops happening.  People love who they love, they sleep with who they sleep with.  End of story.
  • Disney will stop making craptacular sequels to a truly amazing masterpiece (Beauty and the Beast comes to mind…Belle’s Enchanted Christmas?  No.  Bad Disney.  Bad.)
  • Speaking of Disney…this whole thing about movies going into the vault will stop.  Stop being greedy, you pricks.
  • Anyone wearing a mullet, rat tail, acid wash jeans, dayglo or high tops will be shot on sight.
  • Thou shalt not text like a 13 year old girl unless thou be-eth a 13 year old girl.
  • Reading the National Enquirer doesn’t count as reading.
  • Everyone must realize that if they find themselves in a horror movie -esque situation, shooting the killer once and then assuming he/she is dead is stupid.  Everyone will know that you must go up to said killer, empty a clip into their face to be absolutely 100% sure.
  • Any parent who lets their kid dress like a prostitot will be jailed for eternity.

It’s a work in progress…

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Michael Schilder
    Apr 09, 2010 @ 11:48:14

    Belle’s enchanted christmas – reviewed

    http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thedudette/nostalgia-chick/15171-ep022

    After you watch that, watch EVERY VIDEO THIS WOMAN HAS MADE

    Reply

  2. vongaynip
    Apr 09, 2010 @ 13:19:00

    Best. Video. Ever.

    Reply

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