Gaynip Gets Thoughtful

Reyl and I are working on our new household and I must say it’s rather thrilling and fun!  I am loving all the ideas we are coming up with.  My partner in crime is brilliant and brimming with silliness.  Cortejo may live to rue the day she asked us to be puppeteers in court.  We are inviting her Excellency to join, under the title of Enabler.  Should ye look up the definition of “Mischievous” in ye old dictionary, one would surely find her photo there, wolfish smile and all.

Today I had a meeting with my boss.  Dealing with The Sizzle issue and laid out how I was feeling about a lot of things.  On a much happier note, he told me that my afternoon show is rockin’ and that he can hear how much happier and “bushy tailed” I am.  Not that I wasn’t either of those things before but the verve has returned to me.  I am happy and feeling much healthier than I have in a long while.  There was talk of my shifting to the city and how not only is it “on the table” but they already have plans.  It may involve working weekends, but at least it gets me into the city.  Once I’m there, established, I can work on getting Mon-Fri work not Wed-Sun.  Beggars can’t be choosers.

Sunday night I had a chat with Bunz and she said something that sort of struck a chord with me.  She wasn’t saying it about me or my situation, but merely telling me a story wherein she had said to someone else, “Do you want to be a secondary forever?”.  I grew quiet and thoughtful, she probably thought she upset me.  Not the case, but I tend to mull things over in my mind and has sort of been wondering essentially the same thing (only not that exact wording).  I was a little worried on how to broach the subject of primaries with Cortejo, but like always, she was nothing short of supportive and receptive.  I was concerned that she would think I wanted to break up, or that seeking a primary would mean an end to our relationship.  Not the case.  I merely find myself wanting…I don’t know…something to come home to.  I realized a while back that one of the reasons I love her household is the sounds of other people (even when it jars you from sleep).  Plenty of time for silence when I am old, gray and my hearing goes.

It’s more than just filling a space with a body, though.  I will have roommates soon enough, and that ought to quell my need for sound.  It’s hard to explain, really, this need.  Does this mean that I am growing up and such?  I don’t feel lonely.  I don’t have a lack of love in my life (my cup runneth over), nor do I want for friendship.  I feel a little bit greedy in this desire to have a primary.  The universe has given me a spectacular relationship and shown me that no matter how scarred up this heart of mine is, love still dwells there.  I can’t help but think that the crux of this want is that I have too much love.  It surprises me, most days.  I’ve been through so much bullshit, and I was so afraid of it, I thought for the longest time I wasn’t capable of love.  At least not on that deeper level, the one beyond family and friends.

Further, I can’t help but realize that I am so new to all of this.  Most days I don’t notice it.  Then there are days when I am so overcome with emotions, thoughts, desires, I don’t know what to do with myself.  Cortejo mentioned “growing pains” and I can honestly say I don’t know what she means.  Change, yes, okay.  But what kind of change?  I know that there is a change when the NRE wears off and you’re left with (hopefully) something more grounded.  I’m okay with this concept.  I’m not sure if I’ve completely come down from my love bubble yet, but I’m not pushing myself with that.  I guess part of me wishes things could keep on as they are.  Why should there be pains?  Or does this mean we just stop being on our best behaviour sort of thing?  This means that now when I’m in a bitchy mood, she might get her head snapped off?  Or that when she’s annoyed with me she’ll tell me to ‘fuck right off’?  I am terrified and I am ashamed because I feel like at the age of 25 I should know about these things.

It’s that kind of fear that sometimes makes me want to slam the doors on my heart and chain the whole thing up and feed the key to man eating sharks.  But then, I heard this beautiful lyric, about doing it with “a heart wide open” and remember that I only get to do this once (in this body) so I better do it right.

So, it might be scarred and a little broken, but it’s all I’ve got, and I’m gonna do it wide open.

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