Wherein Hell Freezes Over (Again)

Did you feel that bone chilling draft that made your bones creak?  Hell just froze over.

A few years ago I lost a bunch of weight and let my then best friend talk me into a bikini.  I wore it a few times but I always felt incredibly self conscious so it got stuffed back into the little pink bin with all the other undergarment odds and sods.  I wore instead this one piece blue thing with some kind of tummy tucking ruffle fat hider thing.  It made me feel better.  It said, “Please don’t stare at the fat girl who is mostly undressed.  She’s trying to exercise.  You will frighten her with any loud sounds or sudden movements.”

This weekend has planned swimming.  I find myself having lost almost 30lbs in the last while and pulling on my safety net bathing suit left me horrified.  It’s too big.  Forgive the pun, but I’m swimming in it!  I eyeballed the bikini.


No!  You can’t!

But…I must!  There is swimming this weekend.  Hello, swimming!  Earth to water sign…can you read me Pluto, come in?

The top pulled on neatly and the straps wrapped around me like octopus arms.  I jumped around a bit, semi-hopeful one (or both) of my breasts would leap out.  Then I’d have to resign myself to swimming in an old t-shirt where no one would see me.  But alas, my breasts stayed mostly in place (they needed a little retucking) after a few jumping jack-esque movements.

That was where I drew the line in the proverbial sand, however.  I pulled the bottoms on and not even my magical dyke haircut of awesomeness could talk me into it.  I hate swimsuit shopping.  You either get a mirror in there that shows off every unflattering curve, pucker, whatever that your body can toss out (and then some) or you get one that makes you look fantastical in the store but when you get home it’s like someone tried to stuff Shamoo into a one piece.  Oooh no, I don’t have that kind of energy tonight.

So, I moseyed on down to the local Five and Dime (okay, okay it was Giant Tiger) and bought myself some boys swimming trunks.  Not exactly a fashion statement but it’ll do in a pinch.

Still, the fact that I’m even contemplating wearing any part of a bikini today (where there isn’t some kind of monetary bet in place I am surefire to win) indicates that hell has frozen over.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. cortejo
    Jun 03, 2010 @ 19:46:41

    Can you wear the bikini in the car to pick me up? And to sleep in?



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