Back to the Grind

Vacation is over and we’re back to the bump’n’grind of my job.  Thankfully it’s not a 9-5 but more a 12:45-6.  Except today.  I’ve got stuff to do for the city station, so I’ll be handling that til 7 or 8.  I’m not looking forward to it, simply because I have little in the way of materials to draw on, having been gone for a good bit.  I expect I’ll re-use some material I did yesterday and dig back into my 58 e-mails whilst I was gone to find some material.

Stuff to talk about may include:

-The Band Aid incident.

-The Hospital Visit.

-Playing Barbie with Lydia.

Radio, after all, is all about being relate able.  I may also touch on the whole having my first sugar filled ice cream in a sugary cone in 7 or 8 months (at least).  I haven’t decided yet.

Speaking of sugar, it looks as though I can actually eat it again.  I’m thankful I have friends who notice things when I don’t because I’m too busy having the sugar crash or anxiety attack to be that aware.  I need to work on that.  Ilanikhan pointed out one day that my sugar crashes, as a general rule, seem to happen when I’m stressing out about something.  If I’m put into a situation where I’m upset, confronted, anxious or whatnot, it triggers the crash and subsequent anxiety attacks.  I get these terrible brain whisperings that exacerbate the situation.  My brain will say things like,

“You don’t deserve love.”

“Don’t get too attached.  [Person] will just leave.”

“You’re not good at your job.”

“You’re fat.  Ugly.  Disgusting to look at.”

“[Person] is angry.  That is your fault.  You fucked up.  Again.”

It’s terrible, it really is.  I know that these things are generally untrue.  And that last one is probably the worst trigger.  Anger is a normal human emotion and can be expressed in healthy ways.  But I was exposed to people who got angry and took it out on everyone or blamed everyone else for it.  So now when people are angry or upset I automatically feel as though it is my fault.  In the last several months, after quitting the drug that is refined sugar, I have less of these thoughts.  I used to have them all the time.

The last time I had problems with my sugar, I was under a shit-tonne of stress at my old job.  My boss would reduce me to tears on a semi-weekly basis.  I’d get chewed out and scape-goated for things that weren’t my doing.  I was doing 1.5 jobs until Disco Stu quit, then I was doing 2 jobs.  I had the starting of an ulcer.  I was a nervous wreck.  Panic attacks.  Depression.  I hid in my apartment and pretty much refused to go anywhere.  I didn’t want to spend time with my friends and spent a fair bit of time alone.  I’ve always enjoyed my “me” time but it got out of hand.  Sometimes, when my anxiety was really high, I refused to answer the phone.  I’d screen calls, check the voice mail and if it sounded important I’d call back.

Exercise helped.  The “eating program” helped.  Probably because it was high protein and low on sugar.  Quitting that job was the most freeing thing in the world.

This time around the stress wasn’t so much from work as it was from my personal interactions with other people.  Girl drama.  Friend drama.  Family drama.  A lot of family drama.  About a month ago, though, I said outloud for the very first time, “I hope God strikes them both with a lightning bolt.” and “I’m fucking angry!”  It was a pretty big moment for me.  I had steadily been going along feeling numb or sad or completely indifferent about the whole situation.  Saying I was angry was very cathartic.

Amazingly, even though I can have sugar, I don’t really want it.  I like not feeling tired all the time.  I like not getting grouchy when I’m withdrawing from it.  Admittedly, another reason I don’t want to start eating it again (aside from all the health benefits) is Lydia.  She’s thrilled I can’t have sugar too, and she’s thrilled she can teach me things (Baroness Barbie taught Sir Thomas about hypoglycemia, and told him to eat 10 almonds because he was being a jerk).  I know it’s tough for  her, and it has been pretty easy for me to give it up, so I’ll keep it up.

It’s strange though.  I was at the store, holding chocolate, and thinking to myself “I don’t want this” and buying some fresh red plums and getting the girl at the counter to cut up some watermelon for me and picking out sweet corn.  Standing in the line to pay for my groceries, the lady ahead was buying glazed donuts stuffed with blueberry jelly and cream.  I used to love that stuff.  Now it just makes me gaggy at the idea of eating it.  Yesterday, I kind of wanted a poutine but I don’t like how they make me feel after I eat them so instead I had something considerably healthier.

It is too freakin’ hot today.  I am going to be able to follow my in-progress schedule (which has workout times).  I am not adhering strictly to it this week simply because I prefer to start on a Monday and go from there.  I did manage to lift weights though.  Yay me!  I did 40 presses.  20 curls.  10 over the head (no idea what they’re called).  A bunch of stuff to work my tummy (situps and these weird leg/butt lift things from Leh’s P90X video).  I will have to google more core exercises this weekend and see what else I can do.  I will endeavor to do more weights when I get home from work.

I’m throwing my hat in the ring for a new job.  I have a good feeling about this one.  I’m trying not to pin my hopes on it but that isn’t going to well.

At work and after work I need to work on my OBN stuff.  I’m doing rather well with my notes.  I need to e-mail Rule Monkey about an updated character sheet.

Right now I need a shower and food.  I’m having an exercise induced sugar crash.  I don’t mind these ones.  They come with the shakes but no brain whispers.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Mental Disorders 101

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