Wish I May, Wish I Might…

I wish that my mom didn’t leave me when I was 4 years old.

I wish that my dad didn’t leave me with my grandparents when I was 4 because he couldn’t find my mom and couldn’t take care of us himself.

I wish that when they found her they didn’t send us back.

I wish that my mom didn’t ship me off to live with dad when I was 6.

I wish that when I was 6 and Dad had never hired that nanny who ignored me for a month, sent me to school with a can opener and zoodles.

I wish I didn’t get shipped back with Mom and spend the next few years getting abused at the hands of a guy with a drinking problem.

I wish that when people in that house got angry they didn’t beat their kids or break their toys or break the furniture.

I wish that I didn’t know what the inside of a cop car looks like.

I wish that when my parents were angry with me for being bad, they’d never have said things like “We don’t love you” or “I hate you right now” or “I can’t even look at you without feeling sick”.

I wish that my Mom didn’t ship me off to live with my Dad when I was 9 because “that’s what I wanted” but really because she was overwhelmed having 3 kids and I was the one who clung to her the least.

I wish that I could have spent my teen years being myself.

I wish that when my parents got angry with me, they’d tell me instead of putting on the cone of silence for days or weeks on end until I’d have to beg them to tell me.

I wish that when they’d ask me why I was doing what I was doing, they’d hear me out when I explained my feelings.

I wish they hadn’t rendered me incapable of stating “I’m feel…” without being afraid someone will yell at me for feeling that way.

I wish that wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction.

I wish I could trust people not to just leave because I’m going through a tough time.

I wish I felt like it was okay to be weak or human.

I wish that when I eat things I don’t hear “Are you sure you want to eat that?  Okay.  Your thighs.”

I wish I could trust people enough to know that not all of them are going to be assholes to me just because my parents were/are.

I wish I didn’t build walls.

I wish I didn’t push people away before they can hurt me.

I wish I could be happy go lucky all the time like people want.

I wish I could fall apart when I need to.

I wish I could get angry and express it.

I wish I could take all my bad feelings and keep them in a place that wouldn’t touch anyone else.

I wish that I knew more about the world.

I wish I hadn’t held myself back so often.

I wish that I didn’t get a case of brain weasels when I spend too much time all by myself.

I wish standing here and looking at this pit of depression that is in front of me I knew what to do to not slide into it.

I wish that I had the strength to deal with this again without having to cave in to meds or therapy.

I wish I was a strong person.

I wish I was brave.

I wish I could explain these things to people.

I wish that wishes came true.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cloves
    Jul 22, 2010 @ 15:37:47

    reading this……makes me very reflective….. and thankful.

    Reply

  2. reyl
    Jul 27, 2010 @ 10:58:14

    I wish that I had the strength to deal with this again without having to cave in to meds or therapy.

    Meds and/or therapy are *not* caving. They are doing the right thing, the healthy thing, the strong thing, the brave thing. I wish you didn’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

    *love*

    Reply

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