Feeling Better

I’ve been feeling worlds better.  Charming, smart, funny and awesome to be around.  I haven’t been feeling that in a very long time.

The thing I loved best out of this whole weekend was when my girlfriend looked over at me, with this big smile and bright eyes and said, “Yay!  You’re funny again.  Welcome back, I’ve missed you!”

She told me in the car that if ever I think I can stop taking my meds, to remember they’re my “funny pills”.  Aptly named it would seem.  I was pretty darn funny last night and this morning in a way that hasn’t come naturally to me in quite some time.

When Cortejo and I were alone on Saturday morning, I asked her if I was different than the person she had started dating 9 months ago.  I feel different and like I’ve really overcome some stuff despite all that’s happened.

But what struck me was her answer wasn’t what I was expecting.  Not something about a change, but about how I seem like the person she started dating all those months ago.  I am truly thankful that she can be that honest with me, and tell me this stuff.

I can sit back and identify what I did wrong, and I managed (I think) to apologize (although nothing in my mind will convey how sorry I am).  I was a jerk.  Now, the circumstances were not in my favour, and it was just one thing after another until I just couldn’t cope anymore.  Doesn’t give me the right to act like a big Richard Cranium (get it?  Dick Head!  ha…well…I thought it was clever).

Lesson learned.  Almost the hard way.  Thank God I’m not too slow on the uptake.

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Ouch

I think I just broke my own heart writing that meme post.  Thankfully, I’m just sad and not completely breaking down.

I need a damn hug.  Or a stiff drink.  Maybe both.

Saturday Morning Knife Fight

Deadliest Warrior might be the greatest show on earth.  I’m watching the first episode which will pit an Apache warrior against a Gladiator.  I’ve got to say, so far my money is on the Apache.  He’s got a bunch of distance weapons that’s going to take the wind out of a Gladiator’s sails.

What’s really awesome is Apache’s are some of the worlds best knife fighters.  They work with the US military to teach their fighting techniques.  When the guy walked up he took out like 10 knives and put them on the table and said, “If an Apache can carry 20 knives he will carry 20 knives.”  This guy then proceeded to do 3 killing knife strikes at a distance of 15 feet in 2.4 seconds.  Not just “Oh that would probably kill someone” but had a doctor there, had a computer analysis going.  Full of the awesome.

I love the cocky Apache attitude as well.  He’s explaining the different types of arrow head.  Obsidian, which will splinter and cause a lot of pain.  The rusted ones so someone would die of infection (if it didn’t kill you on contact).  They can fire 15 arrows/minute.

“So which arrow do you prefer?”

“Which ever one goes through your heart.”

We’re not talking new arrows either, but actual hand made ones.  Ones made with wood, feathers and then various period/authentic heads.  Brutal.  One of the arrows went BETWEEN the ribs…BETWEEN!  Nailed him in the throat and severed the spine and another that went upward to the base of the brain.

Did it just get really hot in here?

Out of the Gladiator weapons, the sica is pretty awesome.  Sword with a bend in it to go around the shield.

Problem with the Gladiator is the helmet.  Yes it protects against items like the war club (but it turned a skull to dust without one) but it’s 15lbs of iron on your head and the visibility is crap.

Annnd the Apache won according to the simulation program.  Very cool.

It All Comes Back to Frogurt

One of my all time favourite quotes is from The Simpsons (I know, you’re shocked) specifically Treehouse of Horror III.  I can recite it perfectly without checking and I can honestly say that while I have seen the episode a bunch of times since 1992, they are spaced so far apart it can’t be from repetition alone that I can recall it.

Shopkeep:  Take this object but beware it carries a terrible curse!

Homer:  Ooh, that’s bad.

Shopkeep:  But it comes with a free frogurt!

Homer:  That’s good.

Shopkeep:  The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer:  That’s bad.

Shopkeep:  But you get your choice of toppings!

Homer:  That’s good!

Shopkeep:  The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

Homer:  [Blank look]

Shopkeep:  …That’s bad.

Homer:  Can I go now?

Red, The Welshman and I have all noticed that pretty much everything we do or say can come back to this quote.  We have decided this is both awesome and somewhat sad.  But it really fits well with anything.

Tuesday Night Doldrums

Tuesday night.  Bored out of my ever lovin’ mind and feeling like a big suck.  Cortejo isn’t feeling well, so we both decided that it was better if we had our date on Friday night instead.  Granted it’ll be more of an action date, as I get to take her out.  The Universe is being cool about it.  Telus sent me a coupon for Cineplex for 2 adult passes and snacks.  30% off.  It’s not a bad deal, actually.  Not that I wasn’t willing to spend the money in the first place (I made a decision this year that my GST money would be spent on fun/gay things).  Her choice (mostly) on film and dinner.  I put my foot down about Twilight apparently you couldn’t pay her to watch it (gosh isn’t she great?).  Looks like it’s Robin Hood, something starring Rachel Weiss [Drool] or The A-Team.  Or Prince of Persia.  The historical ones look really good.  The A-Team would just be kick ass.  I would concede to sitting through that new Nick Cage movie, but I really don’t care for him.

It’s been a while since we’ve done this kind of a date.  Start of March, actually.  Not that it really matters to me (nor to her, if I’m not mistaken).  I like when we hang out watching True Blood (must…not…watch), doing crafts, watching her cook or whatever happens to be going on.  Anyway…so we’ll have that on Friday.

Probably just as well as The Boss, Madge, Jabba the Hut and a few others are visiting from head office and the city tomorrow.  I hope Jabba is just doing a cursory check and isn’t coming to fire someone.  So I’ll be into the office a bit early.  12:30ish.  I’ve got a few things to update anyhow.  I’ll get it out of the road tomorrow.

I finished my cross stitch project today:

I'm a ZOMBIE!

I’m a bit cranky because I had a completely unopened roll of canvas that I can’t find.  I remember having it in my backpack.  And then I remember thinking about bringing it to an SCA event.  It was on the craft table.  And if that wasn’t enough, the stuff that pulls away, the removable canvas for doing clothes is missing.  I wanted to stitch the clan patch onto my costume for tomorrow night.

I printed out an idea for a t-shirt pattern.  Not sure if I’m going to do it.  I might try a smaller image.  See if I can download the corresponding font for said image and find a good quote.  Failing that…skulls.

Took a visit to the new little store down the road to pick something up.  Nice lady who runs it and a very nice store.  She remembered who I was and noticed I had cut my hair.  Not only that but she had tucked a few things aside for me!  I’ll have to go back before work on Thursday or Friday.

I’m stalling.  I should be doing some housework like vacuuming and washing the floor.  I have my blanket in the wash.  I need to do more bedding.

Oh my God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack twice tonight.  First when I got my Telus bill and the envelope felt heavy.  My eyeballs nearly fell out of my head.  Then I checked my account online.  Phew.  Then, I’m slouched here at the computer letting supper digest and trying to fight off a case of premature sleepulation when I realize I turned the car lights on tonight.  Did I shut them off?  Ran outside barefoot, not that it would have mattered (car would have been long since dead) but all was good.

Ah well, suppose I should go clean the things.  Maybe look for my canvas.  Hard to get motivated when Pickles is sleeping on the bed and Meeko is curled up beside me.  He and I had this little exchange a few moments ago:

Meeko:  [Wakes up from a nap and stretches.  Turns around lays back down.]

Me:  Do you really need to get up and stretch just go to back to  napping?

Meeko:  [Sticks his paw out and flexes as if to say “Don’t be jealous”]


Back to the Grind

Vacation is over and we’re back to the bump’n’grind of my job.  Thankfully it’s not a 9-5 but more a 12:45-6.  Except today.  I’ve got stuff to do for the city station, so I’ll be handling that til 7 or 8.  I’m not looking forward to it, simply because I have little in the way of materials to draw on, having been gone for a good bit.  I expect I’ll re-use some material I did yesterday and dig back into my 58 e-mails whilst I was gone to find some material.

Stuff to talk about may include:

-The Band Aid incident.

-The Hospital Visit.

-Playing Barbie with Lydia.

Radio, after all, is all about being relate able.  I may also touch on the whole having my first sugar filled ice cream in a sugary cone in 7 or 8 months (at least).  I haven’t decided yet.

Speaking of sugar, it looks as though I can actually eat it again.  I’m thankful I have friends who notice things when I don’t because I’m too busy having the sugar crash or anxiety attack to be that aware.  I need to work on that.  Ilanikhan pointed out one day that my sugar crashes, as a general rule, seem to happen when I’m stressing out about something.  If I’m put into a situation where I’m upset, confronted, anxious or whatnot, it triggers the crash and subsequent anxiety attacks.  I get these terrible brain whisperings that exacerbate the situation.  My brain will say things like,

“You don’t deserve love.”

“Don’t get too attached.  [Person] will just leave.”

“You’re not good at your job.”

“You’re fat.  Ugly.  Disgusting to look at.”

“[Person] is angry.  That is your fault.  You fucked up.  Again.”

It’s terrible, it really is.  I know that these things are generally untrue.  And that last one is probably the worst trigger.  Anger is a normal human emotion and can be expressed in healthy ways.  But I was exposed to people who got angry and took it out on everyone or blamed everyone else for it.  So now when people are angry or upset I automatically feel as though it is my fault.  In the last several months, after quitting the drug that is refined sugar, I have less of these thoughts.  I used to have them all the time.

The last time I had problems with my sugar, I was under a shit-tonne of stress at my old job.  My boss would reduce me to tears on a semi-weekly basis.  I’d get chewed out and scape-goated for things that weren’t my doing.  I was doing 1.5 jobs until Disco Stu quit, then I was doing 2 jobs.  I had the starting of an ulcer.  I was a nervous wreck.  Panic attacks.  Depression.  I hid in my apartment and pretty much refused to go anywhere.  I didn’t want to spend time with my friends and spent a fair bit of time alone.  I’ve always enjoyed my “me” time but it got out of hand.  Sometimes, when my anxiety was really high, I refused to answer the phone.  I’d screen calls, check the voice mail and if it sounded important I’d call back.

Exercise helped.  The “eating program” helped.  Probably because it was high protein and low on sugar.  Quitting that job was the most freeing thing in the world.

This time around the stress wasn’t so much from work as it was from my personal interactions with other people.  Girl drama.  Friend drama.  Family drama.  A lot of family drama.  About a month ago, though, I said outloud for the very first time, “I hope God strikes them both with a lightning bolt.” and “I’m fucking angry!”  It was a pretty big moment for me.  I had steadily been going along feeling numb or sad or completely indifferent about the whole situation.  Saying I was angry was very cathartic.

Amazingly, even though I can have sugar, I don’t really want it.  I like not feeling tired all the time.  I like not getting grouchy when I’m withdrawing from it.  Admittedly, another reason I don’t want to start eating it again (aside from all the health benefits) is Lydia.  She’s thrilled I can’t have sugar too, and she’s thrilled she can teach me things (Baroness Barbie taught Sir Thomas about hypoglycemia, and told him to eat 10 almonds because he was being a jerk).  I know it’s tough for  her, and it has been pretty easy for me to give it up, so I’ll keep it up.

It’s strange though.  I was at the store, holding chocolate, and thinking to myself “I don’t want this” and buying some fresh red plums and getting the girl at the counter to cut up some watermelon for me and picking out sweet corn.  Standing in the line to pay for my groceries, the lady ahead was buying glazed donuts stuffed with blueberry jelly and cream.  I used to love that stuff.  Now it just makes me gaggy at the idea of eating it.  Yesterday, I kind of wanted a poutine but I don’t like how they make me feel after I eat them so instead I had something considerably healthier.

It is too freakin’ hot today.  I am going to be able to follow my in-progress schedule (which has workout times).  I am not adhering strictly to it this week simply because I prefer to start on a Monday and go from there.  I did manage to lift weights though.  Yay me!  I did 40 presses.  20 curls.  10 over the head (no idea what they’re called).  A bunch of stuff to work my tummy (situps and these weird leg/butt lift things from Leh’s P90X video).  I will have to google more core exercises this weekend and see what else I can do.  I will endeavor to do more weights when I get home from work.

I’m throwing my hat in the ring for a new job.  I have a good feeling about this one.  I’m trying not to pin my hopes on it but that isn’t going to well.

At work and after work I need to work on my OBN stuff.  I’m doing rather well with my notes.  I need to e-mail Rule Monkey about an updated character sheet.

Right now I need a shower and food.  I’m having an exercise induced sugar crash.  I don’t mind these ones.  They come with the shakes but no brain whispers.

Vacation: Day #4

Happy Canada Day, Eh!

I’m kinda bummed out that I’m over the halfway hump of my vacation without a whole lot to show for it.  Monday I spent getting sick and being depressed by hospital staffers.  I was already feeling sorry for myself when they asked me who my next of kin was in case of emergency and if that person was family (she isn’t).  Like a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.  Got me to thinking though, about if something bad happens, who would find out?  I should at the very least make a little word document about what to do in case I die or slip into some kind of sugar/allergy induced coma.

Tuesday was a lot better.  I got the meds into me and and felt pretty good.  Cortejo made me go find Office Mom (who was at the grocery store) and be checked out and cleared for travel.  I don’t really blame her for not trusting me.  I mean, I did promise to turn around if I felt dizzy and sick all of a sudden.  But you know how it is when you’re ill.  You don’t want to be with people but you don’t want to be alone either.  And it’s made worse by the fact I get petulant when I’m sick and missing the things (or people) I love.

I got to the city and it was a pretty laid back date, which was fine with me.  I was feeling a little tired and slow moving.  The pace was easy and I really enjoyed doing regular things with my girl.  I played with Lydia for a while.  That was kinda fun.  I don’t really know how to play little girl games (I didn’t even play them when I was one) but she seemed to have fun.  With my scratchy voice, I read her 3 stories.  Then it was grownup time and we watched True Blood episode 3.  What.  The.  Eff?  Seriously messed up ending.  There was snuggles and a massage and Cortejo read me some stuff from one of the “Straight Dope” books.  In the morning Lydia came in and tried to go back to sleep with us after Lynch had got her up.  This had him dragging both mother and daughter out of bed by their feet.  Comical.  I felt a little flush after my shower, but it passed before we left for Ninja Day Camp.

Then it was “grown-up” time with breakfast at a place where the Elvis club hangs out.  I whispered to Cortejo over my menu, “They do know he’s dead right?”  She whispered back, “He’s a vampire.”  <3  I love pop culture references.  We had a talk about important stuff and I learned something about myself (important because now I will force myself to work on it).  Then it was off to Michael’s Craft Store to get supplies for the Bunny Scouts.  I am sad I won’t be able to see it.  Hopefully she remembered to take a picture of the final product.  I like seeing what she comes up with craft wise.  I bought a bunch of stuff too.  I’m really keen to try out the new cross stitching stuff that will let me put stuff on shirts and hats and more.  If it works, I’ll be picking up more tomorrow or Saturday.  I’m trying to decide what I want to put on the shirts.  I may make one that says “Talk Nerdy to Me”.  I may put a skull on one or some zombie heads.  Too many choices.

Today I’m cleaning.  Sorta.  It’s really laid back.  I made a bunch of ringtones for the phone and still need to do a few more custom ones.  There are several people who either don’t have one or don’t have one that fits.  The bedroom is pretty much done, save a good vacuuming and floor washing.  The living room is tidied mostly.  The kitchen…well dishes need doing.  Litter box needs emptying.  And Pickles needs to have a bath cause her ass is nasty.  [Sigh]  You know the cat needs a diet when…

One of my goals for today was to get the bedroom into a recognizable state.  I cleaned up the laundry.  Cleared the bed.  I think the reason I don’t want to sleep in there (and haven’t since Cortejo was here) is because it underscores how lonely this place makes me feel.  When I’m in the city, I’m surrounded by people.  The Lynch Mob & The Extended Family.  By Red and The Welshman.  Ilani.  Etc, etc, etc.  When I’m here, I’m alone.  I go to work, I am holed up in the studio and the office is dead.  I’m home and it’s the cats.

On a positive note, I did some reps on the weight bench now that I can see it and sit on it.  Nothing crazy.  A year ago I got tennis elbow being overzealous with the weights, so this time I’m taking it easy.  20 chest presses (I think that’s what they’re called?), 10 curls and 10 …somethings.  Behind the head, up and down.  Whatever that might be.  My arms need work.  I need work.  The whole package needs work.

In an hour or so, I’m going to pop in the car and head over to see Office Mom and Co. for Canada Day stuff.  Looking forward to some hangouts.  I stopped in yesterday on a whim.  Ended up playing some Scene It DVD: Deluxe 80’s Edition.  Man, there is some obscure 80’s shit out there.

Tomorrow will probably be more cleaning (floors and bathroom) and some crafting.  I am cat sitting for Ilanikhan and the cats are all locked up at the mo’.  So I’ll probably go in the evening.  Saturday is the Bacon Sprinkle Party at Lynch House with Reyl, Clinkerfiasco and Sugar Daddy.  There may or may not be LARP.  There may or may not be drag.  I’m looking forward to some time in the sun with friends.  Some silliness.  Some freedom.

I am thinking that Reyl and I should check out the cost for fabric to make Household banners at Pennsic.

Things to Do Before Tomorrow Night:

  • Pack clothes for 4.5 days
  • Swimsuit and towel…we’re hitting up the water park on Monday and it’s supposed to be 40 with the humidex.
  • HAT!!!
  • Sunscreen
  • ANTIBIOTICS
  • Cord and plug for both cellphone and mp3 player
  • Wash the cats ass
  • Take out garbage
  • Litterbox duty
  • Vacuum
  • Wash floors
  • Give spare keys to OM
  • Make schedule, dammit!
  • Writing (HA!)

I’m sure I’m forgetting something.  It’ll come to me.

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