Feeling Better

I’ve been feeling worlds better.  Charming, smart, funny and awesome to be around.  I haven’t been feeling that in a very long time.

The thing I loved best out of this whole weekend was when my girlfriend looked over at me, with this big smile and bright eyes and said, “Yay!  You’re funny again.  Welcome back, I’ve missed you!”

She told me in the car that if ever I think I can stop taking my meds, to remember they’re my “funny pills”.  Aptly named it would seem.  I was pretty darn funny last night and this morning in a way that hasn’t come naturally to me in quite some time.

When Cortejo and I were alone on Saturday morning, I asked her if I was different than the person she had started dating 9 months ago.  I feel different and like I’ve really overcome some stuff despite all that’s happened.

But what struck me was her answer wasn’t what I was expecting.  Not something about a change, but about how I seem like the person she started dating all those months ago.  I am truly thankful that she can be that honest with me, and tell me this stuff.

I can sit back and identify what I did wrong, and I managed (I think) to apologize (although nothing in my mind will convey how sorry I am).  I was a jerk.  Now, the circumstances were not in my favour, and it was just one thing after another until I just couldn’t cope anymore.  Doesn’t give me the right to act like a big Richard Cranium (get it?  Dick Head!  ha…well…I thought it was clever).

Lesson learned.  Almost the hard way.  Thank God I’m not too slow on the uptake.

Ouch

I think I just broke my own heart writing that meme post.  Thankfully, I’m just sad and not completely breaking down.

I need a damn hug.  Or a stiff drink.  Maybe both.

No Regrets, Just Love

Have to say that taking anti-depressants might be the best thing I have ever decided to do.  Other than switching teams, of course.  I feel so fantastic these last few weeks that I’m kicking myself for having such an aversion to the help.  I mean, I’ve always believed that taking brain meds was a good thing for people who needed them.  If there’s something wrong with your thyroid, you take a pill.  If your legs are broken, you fix them.  If your ticker is weak, you get a pacemaker.  Why should the brain be any different than any other bodily organ?  Problem was, I felt this way about other people taking meds.  Not me.  If I knew it could be this good I’d have insisted years ago.

Today was a wonderful day.  I told Rachel last week to call me any ole time of the morning and not to worry about my sleeping.  I’ll sleep when I’m dead.  So she phoned me up this morning, her client canceled on her and she wanted breakfast.  We went out for breaky and had a good chat.  Popped over to the grocery store and got stuff to make some corn bread.  She had me grab a pack of smokes for Steve while she was paying for the groceries and I got IDed.  It was fantastic.  I don’t look old enough to legally by smokes.  Oh yeah.  Who’s young and hot?  Moi.

We made corn bread in the bread machine I gave her and then I came home to shower up and get ready for work.  I’m loving these boys boxers.  Tres comfy.  I think men have the market cornered when it comes to comfort and clothing.  Work was dull but then when isn’t it?  Rachel was going to come by with bread but she got caught up making pizza dough and told me to come by after work.  I watched her make some pizza.  Rosemary in the crust, topped with cheese and fresh basil.  We popped out for a drive so she could pick up a few things and a bottle of wine.  I played her Katy Perry’s new song “Teenage Dream”.  It reminds me of how I feel about my girl, at least partially.  I’m completely addicted to the track.

Getting back she let me make the second pizza.  It had extra garlic in the sauce.  Green onion, fresh mushrooms, hot peppers, sun dried tomatoes and olives.  Nummy!  I got to roll out the dough and everything.  I like when spending time with my friends means learning things.  Especially to cook.  I always make the same things for myself when I’m at home.  It’s nice to learn.  I’m not very brave when it comes to trying new recipes because I don’t like to waste food and often wonder if I’ll hate something.  At least if I’ve eaten it before, I’m likely to make it later at home.

We had a beer each and sat on the couch watching some tube before I booked it home.  Took the scenic route so I could  listen to my new music.  Clear my head a bit.

I’m doing these 30 day meme thing and tomorrow is going to be a touchy “in depth” description.  Today was talking about my first love.  I feel sort of like a loser sometimes that it took me 25 years to let myself fall in love with someone (today’s topic being ‘first love’).  It frustrates me to no end that I am the way that I am.  That said, if I had to do it all over again…if given the option to have my first love at 25 or at 15, I’d leave things as they are.  I realized that in the last few months I’ve really learned to love more openly.  Not just with Cortejo but with all of my friends and it doesn’t spook me to say it anymore.  I regret nothing.  I feel full of love for the people in my life who deserve it.

Not sure what I’ll do with the rest of my night.  I have a couple of movies I could watch or some episodes of Ashes to Ashes.  I have such a crush on Keeley Hawes.  Tomorrow morning I’ve got an appointment with the doctor about my meds.  Cortejo warned me that after 2 weeks comes this clarity but also leads people to commit suicide.  I don’t feel like that at all.  I mean, I have the clarity, but I’m happy.  I feel blissed out and zen like.  Even when I’m expressing negative emotions, they’re no where near the intensity I felt them at when I was un-medicated.

Another good day under my belt.  I didn’t get a chance to lift any weights.  Tomorrow before I shower.  Arms are starting to show.

Where Gaynip Gets Off Her Ass

The humidity has been too much for me to deal with this summer.  I’m so prone to heat exhaustion and heat stroke that I don’t even bother to exert myself physically outside.  I’ve been lifting weights inside, but it’s not been enough.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been feeling cagey.  Today was mild, a perfect summer day, really.  25 Celsius with a bit of a breeze going.  I avowed, on the air, that I would go home and go for a bike ride.  Rachel canceled on me anyway, as Stephen had made plans without informing her.  I went for a bit of a car ride to cheer myself up, then walked in the door and pumped up the bike tires.

Amazingly, I was able to lift the bike up effortlessly and carry it up a flight of stairs and outside to the parking lot.  Hurrah for measurable results with the weight lifting!  I took the path that leads into the woods by the house and had a hard time almost immediately.  Soft ground, uphill, branches everywhere.  I got off, grunted a bit at myself for not being able to do it, and pushed it up the hill.

Once I got to something a bit more level, I hopped on and away I went.  I had to stop a few times as the path was uphill and not really maintained.  It was a lot of peddling through longer grass, a felled tree and odd stones.  At one point I reached a spot where the path got kind of dark and gloomy looking.  Reminded me of that scene from Beauty and the Beast where Belle’s father, Maurice, has the horse (Phillipe) with his invention.  He wants to take the shortcut down that scary dark path with wolves howling, and the horse wants to go down the sunny path with birds whistling.  But, I made myself go on ahead.  And nearly had a heart attack.  Scared a nestful of grouses or pheasants or something.  Their wings make a loud flapping and they do this little call.  Must have been trying to lure me away from their nest.  One of them looked like he was thinking about taking me on.  I sorta watched them for a bit, then continued.

Along the way I found some blackberry brambles and cursed myself for not having anything to put them in.  Then I remembered the little pouch on my bike and grabbed it.  I’m glad I wore pants as my legs would be all torn up now from wading into the brush.  I was eaten alive by bugs and bloody from thorn scratches.

Arriving  home, my heart rate was a decent 75%.  This is pretty good considering I was in the cool down mode.  I was drenched in sweat.  My back, my belly button, my face, neck, arms…you name it and it was pretty much covered in a sheen of sweat.  I even smelled bad.  I feel like I have earned my shower tonight and my supper.

Sort of amazing really, the sense of accomplishment one gets from something like a good hard bike ride.  Tonight I will go to bed tired from effort.  That’s simply lovely.

Fresh Blackberries!

Where Gaynip Returns, Sorta

The thing I hate most about depression is the way it steals your drive and your ambition.  I tend to feel hopeless, lost, frustrated and stuck in a rut.  I acknowledge that I need to do something to get out of it, but then I lose the ability to copy, the ability to push myself into action.

It feels like falling into a cavernous hole.  Knew it was there, tried to edge my way around it, but one misplaced step and I’m ass over teakettle into the pit.  It’s not a straight decent to the bottom, either.  You might hit the sides on the way down.  Land on a ledge and try to climb out using weak footholds and old bits of root.  Eventually, I’ll hit the bottom.  I might lie there a bit, feeling defeated and sorry for myself.  Sink into the gloomy depths before I sit up and take stock of the situation.

When I’ve faced depression before, I haven’t had much of a support network.  Even my former doctor ended up in tears when I’d tell him stories about my childhood.  He’d stand at the top of the hole from a safe spot, and eventually, after telling me where the handholds were, and watching me scrabble along, I got myself out of the hole.  Where was everyone else?  My parents stood off to the side, shaking their heads.  To them, that hole didn’t exist.  They were ashamed of me for being weak and not able to cope as adults are supposed to.

My friends, limited as they were, knew the hole existed.  Been in the hole themselves, some deeper than others.  But they weren’t interested in lending a helping hand.  In some cases, I didn’t blame them.  Hard to help someone else out when you’re busy with your own climb out of a deep, dark place.  Others just didn’t feel like getting down and dirty with me.  Part of me understands that too but part of me is angry, because I’m the type of person to get down and dirty for my friends.  Even if it means sacrifice.

This time, it’s really weird to be depressed.  I’ve got friends at the top of the hole, shouting down encouragement.  I’ve got friends who are willing to repel part of the way into this abyss to lend a hand getting out.  And of course, I’m better equipped at the bottom this time.  I’ve found some tools that will help me get out.  When I get out I’ll be able to backfill some of this pit in so I don’t fall so deep again.  Or at all.  Wouldn’t that be great?

Yesterday, I had my assessment done.  I still need to get a proper diagnosis.  As it turns out, my aversion to pills aren’t completely unfounded.  I’ll hear back in a month again.  The wait for the kind of therapy I need (specialized) will take a little longer.  There are a few options for me.  It’s really a huge relief to hear someone else tell me that I’m not crazy and that this isn’t my fault.  I come from an extremely dysfunctional family.  I’ve been told that the steps I’ve already taken (visiting Momar and Jo) are healing ones.

I feel better today.  I woke up feeling happy.  I’m dealing better.  Tomorrow I’m shelling out $260 for two new tires for the car and I’m not spazzing out.  This is what the savings account is for, after all.  I’ve still got some nasty side effects happening.  Dizzy.  Headaches.  Tiredness.  Aggravated restless leg syndrome.  Insomnia.

On a side note: I may not be as big of a lesbian as I had initially thought.  How odd.  Cortejo and Reyl are always talking about how sexuality is fluid.  But the funny thing is, when I see a naked woman, I can’t imagine wanting anything else.  Yet, I find myself contemplating men.  It’s very strange.

Saturday Morning Knife Fight

Deadliest Warrior might be the greatest show on earth.  I’m watching the first episode which will pit an Apache warrior against a Gladiator.  I’ve got to say, so far my money is on the Apache.  He’s got a bunch of distance weapons that’s going to take the wind out of a Gladiator’s sails.

What’s really awesome is Apache’s are some of the worlds best knife fighters.  They work with the US military to teach their fighting techniques.  When the guy walked up he took out like 10 knives and put them on the table and said, “If an Apache can carry 20 knives he will carry 20 knives.”  This guy then proceeded to do 3 killing knife strikes at a distance of 15 feet in 2.4 seconds.  Not just “Oh that would probably kill someone” but had a doctor there, had a computer analysis going.  Full of the awesome.

I love the cocky Apache attitude as well.  He’s explaining the different types of arrow head.  Obsidian, which will splinter and cause a lot of pain.  The rusted ones so someone would die of infection (if it didn’t kill you on contact).  They can fire 15 arrows/minute.

“So which arrow do you prefer?”

“Which ever one goes through your heart.”

We’re not talking new arrows either, but actual hand made ones.  Ones made with wood, feathers and then various period/authentic heads.  Brutal.  One of the arrows went BETWEEN the ribs…BETWEEN!  Nailed him in the throat and severed the spine and another that went upward to the base of the brain.

Did it just get really hot in here?

Out of the Gladiator weapons, the sica is pretty awesome.  Sword with a bend in it to go around the shield.

Problem with the Gladiator is the helmet.  Yes it protects against items like the war club (but it turned a skull to dust without one) but it’s 15lbs of iron on your head and the visibility is crap.

Annnd the Apache won according to the simulation program.  Very cool.

Eye Candy Friday: Julia Roberts

Wow.  I think last week was the first Friday I’ve ever missed an Eye Candy post!  Ah well, back this week with a classic candy!

I’ve always found Julia Roberts to be absolutely lovely.  There’s been some smack talk about her mouth/teeth but you know what?  Who cares?  No one’s perfect.  Heck, she’s still 100x hotter than me on her worst day when I’m on my best.  Wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ crackers.

No makeup...still stunning

Where Gaynip Pumps Some Iron

[Flex]  A few weeks ago I started lifting some “weight”.  I don’t say “weights” because sadly the bar was heavy enough for me to just do 60 reps/day without hurting myself.  Sounds lame but I didn’t want to hurt myself.

Surprisingly, it has started to pay off.  Sunday morning I had my knees up and my arms crossed and noticed my arms.  I’m not even talking about a little bulge and when you squeeze it the muscle gives way either!  You can squeeze them when I flex and they don’t move!!  Testing this theory I can push myself up and hold myself there longer than before.  I’m sure this is helped by the fact I play with my stomach muscles when I’m bored.

Tonight I got home, inspired by the new muscles and the desire to have a nice set of “guns” as it were.  I put two 10lb weights on the bar.  I managed to do 5 presses and 5 curls before my arms and brain were telling me this wasn’t going to  happen.  Off they came and on went two 5lb weights instead.  I managed 25 presses 20 curls, 10 lifts.  My arms are a bit wobbly.

When I took the garbage out tonight, I noticed the apple tree was dropping it’s fruit.  I threw 20 of them as hard as I could into the woods from where I found them for a bit of extra exercise.

Thursday/Friday I think I’ll bike to work since the humidex isn’t a factor.  22 degrees?  Yes please!  Perfect weather to bike to work in.

What’s really amusing is between the new haircut and the weight lifting, I noticed today I’m getting a bit of an attitude.  I catch myself thinking I’m good looking.  I swagger when I walk.  I smirk slyly.  When I was popping into the grocery store to get more coffee beans, I wasn’t even at the crosswalk (maybe 5 or 10 feet away) and this truck stops.  He had enough time that he could easily have gone without impeding me at the crosswalk.  Instead he waited, watched me.  I watched him back a little.  Gave him a smirk, he gave me a little wave.

I needed this.

Bring it on, Universe.  I’m ready.

101 in 1001 Progress Update

1. Lose 30lbs and tone up. (I need to tone up still)
2. Take up a sport (boxing, baseball, curling, soccer, hockey, etc)
3. Donate blood x3.
4. Take a vacation somewhere new.
5. Take a photo everyday for a month.
6. Finish the scrapbook.
7. Play paintball.
8. Learn to dance.
9. Give up caffeine (liquid form) for an entire month.
10. Get record player and expand music collection.
11. Read 50 new books.  (In progress)
12. Review 5 books on my blog.
13. Pass basic/Join military. (Not going to happen…may change this one out)
14. Write an article.
15. Work towards finishing novel.
16. Become more organized.  (Hahahaha)
17. Get some bookshelves (and put them up in a timely fashion).
18. Make a message in a bottle.
19. Tell a lover/girlfriend “I love you” and mean it (and not freak out).
20. Teach a class.
21. Go a whole day without referencing anything (does not apply to situations required @ work).
22. Explore Heron Island. (This probably won’t  happen since I don’t have a reason to go home)
23. Draw a complete picture.
24. Write my persona history.
25. Double the money currently being deposited into the RRSP.
26. Make 3 new lasting friendships.
27. Learn to meditate or do yoga (something to calm me down).
28. Learn to cook 3 things from scratch (meals/desserts/etc).
29. Send a postcard to Post Secret.
30. Dye my hair a funky colour.
31. Pierce something.
32. Make 5 completely impulsive, unnecessary purchases.
33. Go a whole day without being purposefully humorous.
34. Get a tattoo (Cheshire Cat, Phoenix, “Lucky No. 21” Sherriff’s Badge, Cabbage Patch Doll guy’s signature on my tushy).
35. Make a list of 100 things that make me happy.
36. Learn to read my Tarot cards without referencing my notes.
37. Play chess once a month for 6 months.  (ilanikhan said she’d help with this one)
38. Go a whole week without swearing.
39. Get a passport.
40. Get a professional massage.
41. Have a ME day every 6 months.
42. Watch 10 movies I normally wouldn’t.  (In progress…watched Lady Jayne with cortejo…terrible movie)
43. Try 5 new alcoholic drinks.  (In progress…Baileys Coffee)
44. Buy an antique.
45. Surprise someone with a gift just because (no birthday/holiday/event required). (Gave Lydia my She-Ra DVD…I think that counts)
46. Become an organ donor.
47. Write a will.
48. Learn to play the drums.
49. Answer the “50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind”.
50. Try to make “German Pancakes”.
51. Go horseback riding.
52. Go snowshoeing.
53. Blow bubbles in public.
54. Get a blank period book for SCA persona.
55. Learn sign language.
56. Make Christmas cards from scratch and MAIL them to friends.
57. Buy lingerie (or equivalent) and wear it (and feel sexy, dammit!).
58. Listen to 10 new albums/records all the way through. (In Progress…)
59. Learn 10 new dirty jokes.
60. Kiss in the rain.
61. Kiss in the snow.
62. Play Vampire: The Masquerade.  (In Progress)
63. Do something that scares the hell out of me.
64. Pick a motto/statement/creed.
65. Bring someone home to meet my parents.  (Not going to happen)
66. Learn about a religion/spiritual view I am unfamiliar with.  (In progress)
67. Learn to rollerblade.
68. Donate $100 to charity.
69. Tell everyone I love that I do love them, and why I love them.
70. Offer to take Killian for a week. (Won’t happen)
71. Start a snowball fight.
72. Go to fighter practice (SCA).
73. Write a poem.
74. Join a gym and go at least 3x/week.
75. Buy a colouring book and finish it.
76. Send 10 postcards.
77. Leave someone a rose, just because.
78. Watch sunrise/sunset on the beach in the same day.
79. Give up fast food for 1 month.
80. Keep my desk clutter free for a week.
81. Write a blog entry with my favourite lyrics.
82. Write a blog entry with my favourite quotes.
83. Get complete outfit for SCA persona.
84. Pick up a hobby and stick with it (for once).  (In progress)
85. Fly a kite.
86. Do 5 video blogs.
87. Create the lexicon of SJ & Melissa. (Not going to happen)
88. Make garb for Pfeffernüsse. (2/1/2010)
89. Buy a Christmas present for one of those angel tree children x3 (2010/2011)
90. Go to a con.
91. Try 10 different kinds of tea.  (In progress)
92. Host a ______ night once every 6 months (at least) with friends.  Can be a different theme each time or can remain the same.  (IE poker night, board games, movies, gaming, etc)
93. Have sex with a guy.
94. Don’t get pregnant. (In progress!)
95. Visit 5 museums/attractions/cultural events. (In progress…the water park was #1)
96. Write a short story.
97. Try tanning.
98. Give up something difficult for Lent (even though I’m not Catholic).
99. Spend an entire day having sex. (Sigh)
100. Recommend one thing to someone they would actually like 25 times.  (In progress…my favourite was #1…good times)
101. Listen to 500 songs I’ve never heard before.  (In Progress)

Wish I May, Wish I Might…

I wish that my mom didn’t leave me when I was 4 years old.

I wish that my dad didn’t leave me with my grandparents when I was 4 because he couldn’t find my mom and couldn’t take care of us himself.

I wish that when they found her they didn’t send us back.

I wish that my mom didn’t ship me off to live with dad when I was 6.

I wish that when I was 6 and Dad had never hired that nanny who ignored me for a month, sent me to school with a can opener and zoodles.

I wish I didn’t get shipped back with Mom and spend the next few years getting abused at the hands of a guy with a drinking problem.

I wish that when people in that house got angry they didn’t beat their kids or break their toys or break the furniture.

I wish that I didn’t know what the inside of a cop car looks like.

I wish that when my parents were angry with me for being bad, they’d never have said things like “We don’t love you” or “I hate you right now” or “I can’t even look at you without feeling sick”.

I wish that my Mom didn’t ship me off to live with my Dad when I was 9 because “that’s what I wanted” but really because she was overwhelmed having 3 kids and I was the one who clung to her the least.

I wish that I could have spent my teen years being myself.

I wish that when my parents got angry with me, they’d tell me instead of putting on the cone of silence for days or weeks on end until I’d have to beg them to tell me.

I wish that when they’d ask me why I was doing what I was doing, they’d hear me out when I explained my feelings.

I wish they hadn’t rendered me incapable of stating “I’m feel…” without being afraid someone will yell at me for feeling that way.

I wish that wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction.

I wish I could trust people not to just leave because I’m going through a tough time.

I wish I felt like it was okay to be weak or human.

I wish that when I eat things I don’t hear “Are you sure you want to eat that?  Okay.  Your thighs.”

I wish I could trust people enough to know that not all of them are going to be assholes to me just because my parents were/are.

I wish I didn’t build walls.

I wish I didn’t push people away before they can hurt me.

I wish I could be happy go lucky all the time like people want.

I wish I could fall apart when I need to.

I wish I could get angry and express it.

I wish I could take all my bad feelings and keep them in a place that wouldn’t touch anyone else.

I wish that I knew more about the world.

I wish I hadn’t held myself back so often.

I wish that I didn’t get a case of brain weasels when I spend too much time all by myself.

I wish standing here and looking at this pit of depression that is in front of me I knew what to do to not slide into it.

I wish that I had the strength to deal with this again without having to cave in to meds or therapy.

I wish I was a strong person.

I wish I was brave.

I wish I could explain these things to people.

I wish that wishes came true.